Married couples in our modern society seem to try to address some of their doubts in their marriage by having a “trial separation.” There are many different scenarios that can lead to either a permanent or temporary separation. Every single case is unique. This article answers a question submitted by a woman whose husband is asking for a trial separation while telling her he wants to work things out with her.

Dear Doctor Life Advice:

My husband and I have been having issues getting along for about 2 months. He claims he is unhappy with himself and therefore unhappy with us. We have discussed a separation. He recently got in contact with an ex-girlfriend. I found out when I logged into his email and read his correspondences with her. They are saying things such as ”I love you, baby,” and “you mean so much to me.” He has also sent her a teddy bear and money. When I confronted him, he said now he cannot trust me and I need to learn how to trust him. He said he was wrong for saying ”I love you” to her but said he will not stop talking to her. He also tells me that nothing would ever happen between them because she lives in California and we live in Texas. He has changed all of his passwords.

My husband says he still wants to work things out with me. He tells me he loves me and wants intimacy. I am so confused because he still thinks a separation is necessary. He says I need to let him have friends that are girls without going crazy. I have asked him questions about the emails and he only gives me vague answers even when asked a direct question. He says I read way too much into things. Am I totally crazy?

Signed: Confused and in the Dark

Dear Confused and in the Dark

Let’s start by reassuring you that you are not crazy. You have plenty of reasons to be both suspicious and confused. Your husband is basically telling you he wants to have his cake and eat it too. He is asking for a separation in which he will have the luxury of having your love and intimacy, and the freedom to be a single man and party and see other women as he wishes. He is trying to arrange a situation in which he will keep his dedicated and faithful wife, while exploring other relationships and seeing if he can find something more satisfying for himself. He has already started exploring his relationship with his ex-girlfriend. Meanwhile, since she is in California, he is asking you to fulfill his physical intimacy needs.

What strikes me as very interesting in your question is that it is all focused on what your husband wants. You don’t mention at all what your wishes and needs are. I would like you to shift your focus onto what you want from your marriage. Ask yourself if you are alright with what he has done already by connecting with his ex-girlfriend in an intimate manner. What is it about you that is letting him treat you this way and get away with it? Are you the type of person who puts everyone else’s needs ahead of our own? If so, do you think that is good for you? Let’s look at your husband’s behavior and analyze what he is doing. Then you can decide with a clearer head what you want to do.

Your husband is very good at twisting events. First, it is interesting that he is telling you nothing is going to happen between him and his ex-girlfriend, when in fact, plenty of things have already happened between the two of them. What they are doing is having an affair. True, it is not a physical affair because of the geographical distance between them. However, they are definitely having an emotional affair by declaring their love for each other and sending each other intimate gifts. Also, notice how he’s telling you “nothing” will happen between them because of the distance between them, and not because of his dedication to you. I bet you this separation he is asking for includes a trip to California.

Your husband’s most ridiculous twisting of events is how he’s claiming he can’t trust you! He is accusing you of catching him in the midst of having an affair, and somehow that makes you unworthy of trust. He is essentially saying he wants to be able to have an affair, and “trust” that you won’t catch him. On he subject of trusting someone, it is both hard, and bad judgement to continue trusting someone who is actively lying to you and hiding things from you. When your husband is having an emotional affair with an ex-girlfriend, he is not in a position to tell you that you need to “learn to trust him.” If he wants you to trust him ever again, he must learn to be completely transparent and honest with you, and work very hard on regaining your trust. You cannot and should not trust someone who has betrayed your trust.

In my line of work I see couples in which one partner wants a separation. It’s always basically the same thing. The partner that wants to separate is not happy being in a committed, monogamous relationship. This partner also does not want to give up the good things he or she gets out of the relationship. The solution then, is to get the best of both worlds: keep the partner, and live the single life and all the freedoms that come with it.

You are telling me that he still wants to work things out with you. You are also telling me that he wants to live apart from you, but keep you his wife and continue to have sex with you. That’s just bizarre! No wonder you are confused. I want you to forget about what he is asking for, and really think about what you want. Can you love a man who doesn’t like himself? Do you want to be intimate with a man who is treating you this way? Do you want to work things out with a man who blatantly tells you he wants the freedom to see other women and lie to you about it?

It seems to me that your husband knows a lot about what you need and who you are. You need to learn to trust him. You need to let him have girlfriends. You are crazy if you suspect him of having an affair which he is clearly having. You “read too much” into him saying “I love you baby” to another woman and sending her teddy bears and money. Do you agree with all of the statements he is making about you? What do you think you need? Who do you think you are? Take a good look at your marriage and your husband and decide whether or not you want to work things out with him. You have only told me about one aspect of your husband which looks pretty bad, so of course, I want to tell you to get as far away from his as possible. Only you know why you are with him and what you love about him. Think about whether your love for him is enough for you to want to work things out with him.

It is clear to me that your husband is very good at manipulating the truth, and twisting events to a point where you begin to think you are crazy. I highly recommend that you start seeing a therapist so you will have someone to help you maintain your grip on reality.  Also read my posts on gas-lighting because I think you are a victim of this phenomenon. Once you have a good grip on reality and if you decide that you want to work things out with your husband, look at the following suggestions on how to approach your husband.

Approach to the Trial Separation

On the subject of having a separation, I am in agreement with your husband. He is not sure he wants to be in this marriage and needs to find out. I suggest you also take some time and decide whether you want to be with him. I am, however, in disagreement with your husband on the parameters of this separation. I suggest you set your own parameters, and stick to them. Here are the parameters I recommend:

• You see a lawyer and find out what you are entitled to in terms of alimony and child support (if you have children). These payments are started the minute the separation begins.
• Your husband will be the one to move out as he is the one who is asking for the separation.
• You treat the separation as a divorce, meaning there is no intimacy. If the point of the separation is to find out whether you two are happier without each other, then it would be very confusing if you are still seeing each other and having sex.
• You both have the option of seeing other people as this separation is all about finding out how you will feel living the single life. Make it very clear to your husband that you are planning to have male friends, and you have no problems with him having female friends.
• If there are no children, cut all contact with him – except for practical matters – for the period of the separation. Again, there is no point in remaining in contact if you are separating. If there are children, keep interactions to a bare minimum and only when it involves the children.
• Agree in advance to a set period of time for the separation. Don’t give him the opportunity to go and have a wonderful two weeks with his girlfriend and then come back and say he’s ready for ending the separation. I suggest a year; it is long enough for you to get over the initial heartache and learn to look at the situation more objectively. Remember, if you stay in contact with him throughout the separation, you will remain confused and won’t have an opportunity to get over the heartache.
• Stick to your boundaries and don’t budge. You can use this time to find out how you really feel and what you really want. Continue your therapy and maintain a firm grip on your reality.

Approach to Working on the Marriage Without a Trial Separation

It is possible that once you make your requirements for the trial separation clear, your husband will change his mind. If this is the case, and you know that you want to give him a chance, then tell him that you also have requirements for staying with him. These are the requirements I suggest:

• He goes to individual therapy to find out what it is about himself that he does not like, and how this is affecting his marriage. He seems to be very good at shrugging accountability and putting all the blame on you. Going to therapy will help him see clearly what he is doing, and whether or not the things he is doing are appropriate.
• He understands that he has betrayed your trust by having an emotional affair, and agrees to work very hard on regaining it. No more lying, no more twisting the facts, and no more blaming you for not trusting a lying man. He needs to be completely honest and transparent with you.
• You both go to couple’s therapy and work on his emotional infidelity and find out how to move on after the affair. Some spouses will forgive each other easily, while others may find out that the infidelity has caused irreparable damage. Find out if you can forgive him, trust him, and have a happy marriage with him.
• You continue your individual therapy to make sure that your reality will not be twisted again.
• Never forget that you have the right to refuse to be intimate with him unless you feel the intimacy towards him as well.
• If you do not want your husband to ever have an affair again, even if it’s an emotional affair, then let him know this. If you think that emotional infidelity is grounds for divorce, and that you will leave him if he does this again, then he has the right to know that information ahead of time.
• Don’t make any empty threats. If you are not sure you would leave him even if he continues his affair with his ex-girlfriend, then don’t tell him you would. He will find out that he can get away with anything and keep you, and there will be no boundaries to what he will do.

In conclusion, this is a very tough situation you are in. You are unsure of what you consider right and wrong, and you are allowing someone else to tell you what you need and who you are. If there is only one message you can take away from this article, it is this: don’t ever let anyone alter your reality or tell you what you think.

Words to live by: “When I want your opinion, I’ll give it to you.” source unknown

Doctor Life Advice