My Wife Refuses Sex and Intimacy – Part One

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Image from PsychologyToday.com

Image from PsychologyToday.com

Dear Doctor Life Advice,

It has been over three years since my wife and I have made love, actually there is no intimacy at all. When I approach my wife in any way, she tells me to get away from her. She even tells me I am bugging her when I try to kiss her. We have two wonderful kids together and used to be a fun couple. She says intimacy is not worth it to her.  Even when we were intimate, it was far and few between. Now she says she does not want any form of sex or intimacy. She refuses to talk to me about it or give me any reasons. I love her but am torn. I would never cheat on her. I just want her. What can I do?

Signed: Married and Lonely

Dear Married and Lonely,

This is a very serious problem and I am glad you wrote to me about it. Lack of intimacy in a marriage usually leads to a troubled marriage, and in many cases can be the cause of divorce. Except for rare medical cases when a person is physically unable to have sex, in my opinion it is never alright for a spouse to permanently withhold intimacy from his or her partner. Sex is a basic, natural instinct. Humans are social creatures who need closeness and intimacy to survive and thrive. If you and your wife want your marriage to survive, you will need to talk about what is going on with her. Avoiding the subject or refusing to talk about it is not an option. I get the feeling that you also avoid the subject as long as you can. You need to first evaluate the situation for yourself, then try to communicate with your wife, and finally come up with a resolution that is acceptable to both of you.

Evaluate the Situation by Yourself

I am surprised that you have allowed this to continue for three years before you have reached out and asked someone. There are questions I want you to ask yourself before you try to bring up the subject with your wife.

  • Do you feel attractive and worthy of love? What is it about you that made you put up with not getting intimacy for three years? I am concerned that you may think you don’t deserve better treatment. If this is even remotely true in your case, then I highly recommend you get personal therapy and find out why you allow yourself to be emotionally and physically neglected by your spouse.
  • Why have you put up with this for so long? It is really important for you to evaluate your marriage and your reasons why you are staying in it. Are you staying because of your kids? If so, think about what you are modeling for them as far as what kind of mate to look for when they are older. Are you staying in this marriage because you love your wife? If so, then you need to find out if this is a one-way relationship as it does not look like your wife is reciprocating this love. Could it be possible that you two are staying together because it’s easier than living apart? If this is the case, then you two may be able to come up with an arrangement where you get your sex and intimacy elsewhere and live with your wife as a co-parent and a friend. I am in no way condoning cheating on your wife. If you decide on this, it needs to be a mutual agreement between the two of you. Honestly, although in theory this sounds practical, I’ve never seen it work successfully in real life.
  • Are you willing to live with the prospect of little to no intimacy for the rest of your life? You have already waited three years. Is your patience endless? If you are willing to live with this prospect, then I worry again that you don’t think highly of yourself, and you need help. If you are not willing to live with this prospect, then it is time to take action. Talk to your wife and let her know that your marriage is in trouble, and that you two need to start communicating.

Try to Communicate with your Wife

If your wife is willing to communicate with you, then the first issue you need to address are the reasons why your wife is refusing sex and intimacy. I am going to list the reasons I see commonly when a spouse is withholding sex. They can apply to either spouse in a marriage, but since you asked the question, I am using the woman as the example of the person withholding sex. These are not in any particular order, they are just reasons I have run into in my practice. For each reason, I am recommending how to proceed. In most cases, there is more than one underlying cause to the prolem, so her reasons are probably a combination of some of the examples below:

  • She no longer finds you attractive. I don’t know how old you are or how long you have been married. Think about whether she ever found you sexually attractive. You said even when you were intimate, it was not often. Did you ever have sexual “chemistry?” Did she ever want you as much as you want her? Which one of you was the one who usually initiated intimate encounters or sex? If you look at your past and you can remember a time that she found you sexually desirable, then think about how you have changed since then, and what you can do to restore yourself back to the object of her desire. If you can’t think of a time that she wanted you, then there is something else going on that needs to be addressed.
  • She has always had a very low sex drive. I suspect this is of high probability in your case, because of the infrequency of sexual activity and intimacy that you described in your past with her. Some people are just born with a low sex drive. If that’s the case, she can talk to a doctor or sex therapist to see how she can improve her sex drive.
  • Her value system is against sex. Some families raise their children with values that make sex seem “dirty” or taboo, or sinful. In order to keep their children in line, they make all kinds of other negative associations with sex. These children, when they become adults, maintain the belief that there is something inherently wrong with sex. If this is the case, again, a couples or sex therapist can help her overcome those beliefs.
  • She is having an affair. If your wife was ever a sexual being, then she probably still is. I wonder where she is getting her sexual needs met if she is not intimate with you. I know it is painful to consider this possibility, however, it is a real possibility and I think you have a right to know.
  • She does not feel emotionally connected to you. Aside from sex and intimacy, how do the two of you get along? Does she tell you she loves you? Does she seem interested in talking with you about your day and hers? Do you ever set aside time for just the two of you to talk and reconnect? How often does she confide in you or ask for your advice or opinion? Is she often angry with you or resentful towards you? Does she use demeaning or abusive language with you? It sounds to me like the two of you were at least emotionally connected at one time. If you have emotionally drifted apart from each other, then you both need to do serious work to bridge the gap between you. Couples therapy is essential if this is the case, and you both must want to reconnect.
  • She has suffered sexual trauma in the past. Some people are afraid of sex and intimacy because they have experienced some sexual trauma in the past. This can range from childhood molestation, bullying in a sexual way, having had an abusive partner in the past, to sexual harassment. If your wife has been a victim of any kind of sexual trauma, she needs help. She will need individual therapy to process and move beyond her trauma. You will also need couples therapy to learn how to provide a safe environment for her in which she can feel intimate.
  • She is suffering from depression or another mental health problem. One of the very common symptoms of depression or other forms of mental health issues is loss of libido, or a lack of sex drive. How is her mood? Does she seem down? Has she been having a hard time? Does she have a lot of ups and downs?  Is she anxious? If you think she’s suffering from any of these, get her to a psychiatrist. Treatment will make a world of difference. Another mental health issue that you need to seriously consider is whether or not your wife is using substances. Is she on any medications? Does she drink a lot or smoke marijuana? Many substances kill the sex drive if used excessively. Look into this and see if this applies to your wife.
  • She is suffering from a biological problem that she is not sharing with you. There are some health problems that can cause a woman to feel uncomfortable during sex. Ask your wife if this is the case, and arrange and appointment with a gynecologist to talk about how to address these health problems. Sometimes, the health issue may not be gynecological, but that is a good place to start, and then get referrals from there.
  • She wants a divorce and is pushing you towards it. This is a very common manipulative technique that I see people use. Sometimes they do this consciously, and sometimes, they are not even aware that they are doing this. Basically, in your case, this would mean that your wife, for whatever reason, is done with the marriage, but does not know how to leave it. She is therefore withdrawing all forms of sex and intimacy from you, and pushing you away, in the hope that you would give up and leave. That way, you will be the one that initiated the divorce and not her. If this is the case, then you have a right to know and then you have to make some tough decisions.
  • Although unlikely, there is the possibility that she is gay. If your wife was never a sexual being with you, then it may be that she prefers women. Depending on how she was raised, being gay may not have been an option for her. I know many people who get married to the opposite sex in order to overcome their homosexuality. Unfortunately, that does not work, and both parties end up suffering.

Come to a Resolution for this Problem

Unless you are willing to live with the way thing are, then it is time to make some decisions and some changes. Ideally, you and your wife are both invested in this marriage and will want to work it out. In that case, you two need to find out what is going on that is causing this rift between the two of you, and how to bring the two of you back together. Self-awareness on both sides, and communication between the two of you are both essential if this marriage is going to work. You may end up each needing individual therapy and couples therapy to save your marriage. You both need to find out why she has withdrawn from you and why you have tolerated it for so long. Once you learn more about your individual backgrounds and how you have reached where you are, then you need to work on how to proceed together from here on.

There is the possibility that your wife is unwilling to communicate. Then you must find out whether or not you are willing to live with her. If you decide to live with her, then ask her where she expects you to get your needs met, and how she is meeting her own needs.

Ultimately, it may be that your wife is not invested in this marriage and is not willing to do her part to maintain a healthy relationship. If this is the case, then you need to find out, and you need to decide on your own whether or not you are willing to live with a spouse that is not interested in having a healthy relationship with you.

This is a tough issue to work with, and my heart goes out to you. I am hoping that there is an underlying reason that your wife is rejecting you, and that once this reason is discovered, it can be worked on. I hope for a healthy resolution for you.

Sincerely,

Doctor Life Advice



79 Comments

  1. problemchild
    Posted October 27, 2013 at 12:22 pm | Permalink

    I am one

    • mike
      Posted January 28, 2016 at 5:01 pm | Permalink

      was incarcerated 10 years
      came out and my wife seems more effected than I
      does not want sex and makes me take the bus
      Seems to be a problem getting work and now she does not like the fact I Have little money per month to help out
      What to do….Should I move on…
      There is one child who is 16 years old as well in the house
      The Son and her sleep in one room and I Sleep in another
      so strange…What to Do?
      He plays video games all day and my wife watches Tv by her self……
      Dysfunctional to say the least………………….

      • Posted April 8, 2017 at 10:33 am | Permalink

        I came home after three and a half years Under water on submarines, Its actually worse than incarceration with no contact or sun not even any word from any one for three years as the rest of the crews I served with got in the form of a family gram. When I was asked to reup I was sick of being singled out for every emergency replacement on other boats. So The only half hour I was allowed to talk to my wife when they came down for thanksgiving I told her, my mother and father that I was not reenlisting. I already had orders to report to the west coast. and another patrol in a day and a half. My father wife and mother left for the mid west.

        When I discharged I’m may of 1985 Thanks to my brother I was armed wit65h a letter of reinstatement when I went back to my civilian position that I was going back to from military leave. It was with an auto manufacturer building transmissions, I had the contract book in hand telling me the rights and seniority I had were now at nine years seniority with my honorable discharge and I had more than sixty percent of the work force, I had so many hopes when I came home only to have everything thrown in my face by my wife, family and the community, My greeting was not from an anxious glad wife when I arrived at my fathers front door that morning. My greeting was a note from my father to take the sofa.

        I had just laid my head down when he’s yanking me off the sofa yelling he had made an appointment for me at HR to reinstate at seven that morning, I complained I had not had a leave in four years, and had 30 days from that Friday to go back. I wanted some time to have a honey moon with my wife and get set up with a place to live before going back. It was coming down to an all out fight with him over my defiance starting in my first words to him and my mother got between us and begged me to just do as my father wanted. That first capitulation on my part started the next 28 years of my enslavement.. I was put directly on to second shift that evening without even seeing my wife. I got off the next morning tired and was going home at 3:30am.. I again was greeted by the same stinking note. My father thought the next morning I was going to go look for a place to live without her and put the 18000 I was discharged with in the bank, I was also bloody hungry since I had not had any thing since leaving the boat but coffee. That was five days before. So this time I stood my ground when he punched me in the face screaming I did not have to have my wife around to chose a place to live just hit the bricks. MY reaction was to grab his shirt front and trap him against the ceiling of his living room. I was yelling back if I had to I would use his dead body as a wreaking bar until I found my wife as I tore bulkheads out with him. My mother, brother and sister as well as my wife were begging me to put my father down. She was supposed to remain out of sight until they felt they had full control on me. MY wife went with me and we found a house before work that after noon I went back to work and going in I was approached by a sheriffs deputy with something called a guardianship that was assigned to me about my wife, That’s when I discovered she had spent a month in a mental hospital while I was on patrol for bi polar. The state had just ensured I would never be able to rid myself of her. but I still had hopes for our marriage.

        The next day that hope was ended after I put my shift preference in the evening before for day shift. We went to military relocation and arranged for delivery of the things I had shipped from south Carolina while I had discharged, Got the utilities arranged as well as cable and phone. and I was taking her back to my fathers when we found him home before his shift with another van in the drive. It was the person I was bumping to seconds and her mother. I did not even know who I was bumping and frankly cared less. It was an area managers Daughter in my plant with six months seniority to my nine years. Just nine months before she was high school homecoming queen and looking to daddy to get her a good job. This pretty 19 year old blond was crying on my fathers shoulder about his mean son taking her shift and was going to trash her life.

        My wife is telling me that I had to cooperate or there would be no sex in our marriage, Thirty one years latter I came home from three years hard Rehab after MRSA destroyed my spine and she’s out with an old BF. HE comes into my house the next day after I trapped them in the drive, I had my wife things ready to go and the Guardianship ready to go to. The Jerk swept my cane and laughed asking my wife how had she ever ended up with me the pathetic looser in life. I fractured his scull and broke most the bones above mid chest after hitting him in the head with my thrown cane. I also slapped my wife across the room when she tried to stop me.

        I returned from the stress center two weeks latter and she’s telling me she had a promise to keep to my father, mother and my fathers best friend about some dinner event she promised six months before to go to. That broke me. She had never kept the first promise to mew but tells me she’s keeping one to my father. I decided that That was not going to happen until she kept the first one made to me in our marriage 31 years before. I had sweated, bleed and been exhausted for years and she played on my dime. Now she owed me, and I was going to collect even if I broke her in half.

        I did not give her the choice that evening about sex. I took it. as she begged wasn’t there some way to work this out, it did not have to be this way. Then I started on my fathers friend 45 minutes latter as I tried to put him through my father and mothers windshield from my deck. I missed. He instead hit face first in the drive. hurting him bad. I do not apologize for any thing that evening, he tired BSing me about being a mayors aid and had the right to enter any place he wanted in the city. Then when I shot back I wanted to see a badge and warrant first he shoved me saying out of my way crip. So that was why he went on his flight.

        From that evening on I have hit first and not allowed the first interference. My wife sits and says all she wanted was peace and I just cause is grief.

    • Posted February 11, 2017 at 3:12 am | Permalink

      Am real sorry for the gentleman; I have the same predicament but I have very beautiful lady we are doing sufficient twice a week. Guy move on and salvage yourself

  2. problemchild
    Posted October 27, 2013 at 12:27 pm | Permalink

    I am a female who has the problem. I have a low sex drive. Sex was never brought up in my house, and I last I know I have a mild case of depression. I think that has been going on since I was a child, but no one seems to care. Along with other possible issues…. I honestly don’t know what to do about it. I definitely feel everything is my fault and I am a very unhappy person.

    I don’t want antidepressants because I know that makes the situation worse. Also, I have talked with therapist with horrible responses. I need to find someone who is going to help, not just talk and see it is not natural. Any thoughts? I don’t know where to begin to solve things.

    • Harry
      Posted December 26, 2015 at 11:21 pm | Permalink

      Your lack of interest in sexual relations and intimacy is a poor excuse for rejecting your husband’s advances. Sexual intercourse is physically easy for a woman. All she has to do is to be cooperative and at least warm toward her husband. Don’t be a “dead fish”; let him know that you love him and that despite your lack of interest, you want to serve his needs for intimacy and intercourse.
      Doesn’t he do things for you that he doesn’t especially like, or perhaps dislikes?
      Please don’t read a book or chat on the phone while he is having sex (hopefully, actually “making love”) with you. Or suddenly ask him if he got the garbage out.
      Having sex with a woman who isn’t interested is not ideal, but it’s a lot better than nothing. At least she shows that she cares enough to receive him.
      Personally, I have been rejected for as long as 2½ years; currently for over one year. My wife has this time announced that she has no interest in intercourse or even intimacy beyond snuggling in bed. This has resulted in total inability to attain an erection while awake, though I have them almost every night while sleeping.
      She has always refused me when she wasn’t “in the mood.” Never has she been willing to discuss this. She becomes angry and snide, expressing her happiness at my awake impotence.

      • Posted April 11, 2017 at 10:23 pm | Permalink

        My problem with sex with my husband was not a lack of drive, Being bi polar my manic highs came with the need for sex so bad it hurt. For decades I felt the problem was my husband , with not being satisfied with what was offered in other parts of his ife with things like shifts. jobs, vacation slots, and holiday work. His father and others wanted me to control his , keep him from using rights he accrued. disrupting hope, dreams and other things in the life of the community.

        It started out as withholding sex for the two years after his return from the navy and reinstating off his military leave . Under the UAW contract he worked under he came home with more than 60 percent of the recently doubled work force. This meant he could walk in the door and take the jobs , shifts , work or refyse none 100 percent overtime, and work or refuse holidays as he pleased, also after a year back his seniority gave him the vacation slots he applied for. Within the first three days he was pinning his father against the living room ceiling yelling at him if I was not standing next to him in under two minutes he was going to use his father as a wreaking bar to tear out bulkheads until he found me. That one scene still scares me out of my wits. my 6′ 4″ tall 210 lbs husband fresh from 3 and a half years isolated submarine duty. He did not even seem human.

        That evening he got the news that I am bi polar by receiving a state assigned guardianship from a deputy. The next afternoon I was telling him that if he did not cause grief in the community, just for two years, just let his seniority sit. Then that was when we could start a sex life and family with the areas society not able to be angry he returned. I just wanted to have the life in peace.

        Two years latter I was begging him to back off the trip to Rome to let a young girl go and marry in his department on the vacation slot he was approved for. Two years before she was the one to start the last argument leading to my dictate about waiting 2 years when my husband was going yo bump her of days and go himself to get off seconds. every week after that I heard just one question, Was I going to be a wife or start being a roomie and pull my own weight. I finally got him to talk to me about the Rome vacation. He was planning to use iy as the start of our marital life like I promised. When I got him to back off again I had to swear on my bible that any time, any way and any where he wanted after our return I would be a willing sex partner and travel companion. he also made me sign what I had sworn to and made the ride to the airport hell for the girl, her fiancé and her parents. Telling her and her fiancé to never ask one more thing of him because the answer was no.. H even ACTED LIKE A SLAVE WHEN HIS FATHER YELLED AT HIM TO GET EVERYONE LUGGAGEW INTO CHECK IN THEN HE DUMPED IT UN THE ROAD AND TOOK OFF WITH HIS MIDDLE FINGER OUT THE WINDOW.

        After the wedding in Rome we were eating at a nice place and the subject of my husbands being a jerk came up, I reminded every one he had not had a day off since before our wedding day over five years before. His father said well isn’t that to bad hes a man and sometime men had to be what others needed, we decided that evening the time least disruptive to his work mates would be from the day after Christmas shutdown and any time till valentines day.

        It was even suggested where we should go, Hawaii, Barbadoes. the Caymans. Jamaca or The Bahamas, We did not look into the availability to get those time my husband had the first week we were gone. On the flight home I had a peace gift and dreams of a tropical hotel to start our married life finally, We landed to hell on earth with my husband leaving that day with only one planed stop his grandfathers and uncles in Wyoming for three days then wherever he pointed the vans nose for three weeks. He even had camping gear in the back in case we could not find vacancys.

        Before the next 45 minutes was out I was on a bus east to my mothers. His father is on the phones in the terminal geting a court order to make my husband work. He worked everyday but six from May 28th 1985 to October 24th 2009. In that time it went from a court order forcing him to work to May of 2009 when her dislocated my shoulder throwing me across an office getting the cancelation check from me over the Orient express trip, the ninth tri year vacation to Europe without him. I was making arrangement for his now five weeks starting January the second thinking he could wait just seven more months for a vacation of five full weeks in St. Croix he could take his personal time to replace the holidays he was going to be expected to work through. we were thinking one time frame off intro at a time. slowly let him have what he wanted over time at 52 years old.. He was waiting for nothing any longer when h took that money that was going to be given freely over Christmas.

        Instead he gets it throwing me across an office and getting his passport back back making seven men pry his fingers off his fathers throat. All over lousy time off and sex. The reason I know the exact day he last worked was on October 24th 2009 he had let himself become so depressed his immune system shut down, Allowed a MRSA abscess to form in his spine. He just never found a joy in just working and helping others in his work. he under went a surgery that started at 4 pm on October 24th 2009. twice he had to be revived in it and after coming out of surgery on October25 at 3 pm they sent his mother and me home leaving him in an induced coma for 2 days. We arrived to the nurses telling us he tried to stand when he woke and went straight to the floor. The doctor was telling him he was probably spending his life in a wheel chair. 2 years later we were going to Isreal . My husband was saying he would be out of rehab by the next vacation he knew was planed for a cruise to cancun wen his father started yelling that he was a cripple and now a burden He would shut his mouth and accept what was given his father did not make it out of the room before a stainless steel bedpan slammed off his face I out ran the urinal.

        I started seeing an old boyfriend tired of always hearing I stoll his life. that I was a bit** for never letting him have his way about sex and time off. about a month latter. My husband caught us on January the next year. My AP at least was not always angry with me just for doing the favors I had for everyone keeping my husband in line. My AP decided he was going to play a joke on my husband and swept his cane asking while laughing how did I end up with my looser husband. he paid with a fractured scull and nearly every bone broke above mid chest. and a trip to ICU. my husband went to a stress center for two weeks.

        The evening my husband came home I was getting ready for a dinner event with my husbands mother, father and his fathers best friend. Coming out of my bedroom I ran square into my husbands chest. I knew with his sarcastic remark about good he had not been out in 31 years where were WE going. I told him I promised the evening six months before Tried offering a 100 to meet any where he wanted in four hours. He informed me he said the only judge and arbiter of our house. I just wanted to try and find a solution to the resentments he had built. I was begging and pleading could we just talk things through.

        I finally ran, he ripped ever stich off of me and I was crying this did not have to be that way. he finished with ne a while latter. and then went after his fathers best friend hurt him for trying to force his way in. I stay scared of trying to interfere. with any thing he wants now

      • Anonymous
        Posted April 13, 2017 at 8:11 pm | Permalink

        Sex is many things for women, but easy is not one of them. What you are advocating is sexual abuse at best and violent rape at worst. When a man know a woman doesn’t want sex and tries to make her do it any ways he’s already crossed the line into trying to force her. Today it’s guilt trips, tomorrow its sleep deprivation, the next day it’s pinning her down after she screams in pains and tells you to stop.

        How do I know this? I’m the wife who cut off sex from my husband for years. I’m also the woman has an extremely high sex drive even while pregnant and nursing and with multiple young children.

        The trick ladies to reclaiming your sex drive is often simple, immediate and completely effective.
        If you desire your husband, wish to have sex with husband, and feel loved and respected during sex, your feelings matter sex is easy.
        However the instant a man know you don’t want sex and tries to make you do it anyway, like our fine gentlemen up threat, everything is off. You know deep in your body and soul that he hate loaths and despises you and that you will never be sexually safe in his present.
        This man is what Dr Townsend and Dr Cloud call a boundary resist spouse. He doesn’t value your treasures, your thoughts, feelings, and emotions, or your dreams, desires or sexuality. He is trying to sexually control you. He will try to force you to endure things you find sexually revolting. He know he is hurting your feeling sexually, he just doesn’t care because you irrelevant to him, or in extreme cases he enjoys harming you. He sees marriage as a justification to disregard your wishes, betray your trust, guilt trip manipulate you and bully you into making choices he wants not what you want, and he knows he makes your stomach church and your skin crawl when he has sex with you. He knows you feel violated, degraded and betrayed. Doesn’t sound loving does it? That’s because it’s not. It’s based in contempt, loathing, and hatred, on the assumption that men matter sexually and women don’t. That’s why marriage is an excuse for a man to make a woman do what he wants and it’s why a man wants a woman to fake it.

        You feel violated, degraded and betrayed because you are. This is why lying there isn’t good enough. It’s too honest. Not only do you have to endure your husbands mind games to get sex when your not willing, he also wants you to lie about your feelings, whether or not you enjoy sex, to hide any physical pain that comes up during the act and maybe fake orgasms too. This has nothing to do with mutual pleasure, love, or intimacy. It’s about getting what he wants from you, at any cost to you.

        Your desires matter to consentual sex.
        Your wishes matter to consentual sex.
        A man who wants to be wanted and wants to please you would never ask you to just lie there and take it. He would only have sex if you wanted it because your desires and arousal are an essential part of sex for him.

        You’re emotions matter to consentual sex. A man who will hurt you and violate you emotionally for his sexual pleasure is not better or different than one who will hurt physically, and he very well may for you physically in the future.

        Your choices matter to consentual sex. A man who tries to manipulate or control your sexual choices isn’t looking for something freely given.

        Ladies, if you have a “sex is easy just lie there and take it you’re only a woman” your libido is one act of perminate sexual refusal away. It’s amazing what think you matter does for your sex drive. And it’s even more amazing what the idea that men want to be wanted and that a husband should love you and care about your feelings, physical pain and pleasure, and your wishes will donfor your sex drive.

        Try it.

        There is nothing easy about long foreplay sessions, orgasm, multiple orgasms, giving blow jobs, or riding a man. We all know that.

        And to the man take some responsibility for yourself. Your marriage, your life, your sexual satisfaction, and your happiness are your responsibility, not your wife’s responsibility. You are the abuser here not the victim. Bullying your wife into enduring coercive rape and pretending to enjoy it doesn’t make you the good guy and it won’t solve your problems. Fix the marriage, (without pressuring her to lie and say everything is fine when it’s not) or accept that it can’t be fixed. Take responsibility for your choice to remain in the marriage with the obligation to love your wife and not have other people that have freely chosen you will continue to honor. Or work out an alternative. Or get divorced and find someone who actually wants sex.

        Warning though, all women hate sex with men who don’t care about their sexual desires, wishes, and purposely hurt their feelings, treat them with contempt expect them to lie and fake it during sex and try to control their sexual choices. This will ruin an woman’s sex drive TOWARDS YOU.

        I have a theory about why women file for divorce more than men. Girls who grew up in abusive homes and have an insecure attachment, are more likely to develop a secure attachment style as an adult, than boys from abusive homes.
        Marriage is the same kind of attachment bond for adults, that the parent child bond is for young children. I think women are more emotionally resilient than men, so when a relationship goes bad, (or always was bad) women are more likely to accept reality, take responsibility for themselves and move on. It’s not that women are trigger happy about bailing on marriage, it’s that men are trigger happy enough. Really? Why stay around justifying abuse, being miserable, and complaint about sex and getting more and more hateful to your wife and poisoning your kids? Just divorce already.

    • Sara
      Posted January 15, 2017 at 3:02 pm | Permalink

      You are right to not want antidepressants. They do more than just kill sex drive. I’ve taken a lot of them; they take what joy you might have had in life and turn everything into dull, drab, gray nothingness. I’d rather have depression– at least I know I’m going to have good days, instead of a lifetime of nothing.

      Now, how do you live with it?? I don’t know a nice way to say this– shut your mouth, and open your legs. Don’t talk about your feelings– they are socially unacceptable, no one wants to hear it, and it’s only going to make you feel worse anyway. NEVER refuse your husband’s sexual advances. NEVER. There is never any excuse. Even if you’re on your period, your hands, mouth, and anus are all available. Sick?? It only takes a few minutes. JUST SHUT UP AND SPREAD ‘EM, AND FOR GOD’S SAKE TRY TO ACT LIKE YOU LIKE IT.

  3. Steven
    Posted June 1, 2014 at 9:47 am | Permalink

    Hello,

    My wife refuses to have sex with me. She has had many medical issues. Most of the time, she complains of pain. She truly has had a myriad of medical issues. For one, she has a very severe case of Fibromyalgia, along with arthritis. She has had over 30 surgeries. She has had all kinds of semi major and minor surgeries. She has had over 10 knee surgeries, carpal tunnel and ulnar nerve surgeries in both hands, bone spur and ganglion cysts removed from all over her body mainly because they were affecting nerves in her limbs that were vital to function. To top it all off, she has had a full hysterectomy. He complains of pain frequently and don’t get me wrong, I do love her, I would never leave her but I have HAD IT with almost no sex. I think we have had it twice in the last year. I don’t think she is lying. The Fibromyalgia is the most prevalent issue. I have done much research myself. I know from talking to and reading the accounts of many sufferers that sex is not something that makes them feel good when it flares. I am ready to find someone in a similar situation outside the marriage. I am going crazy and I am tired of feeling as if I need to climb the walls.

    Thank you for any response you may have.

    • Danial
      Posted November 5, 2014 at 9:27 am | Permalink

      you are not alone with that situation.

    • Fred
      Posted January 14, 2017 at 3:45 am | Permalink

      My wife at 53 yrs old has Fybromyalgia & RA. She had both knees replaced along with both hips. Also a shoulder reconstruction, hysterectomy, carpal tunnel surgery on both hands and a lap band to tie her stomach shut. Due to all this she claims she battles depression. I do feel for her. To make a long story short IMO she has some serious psychological issues. Her latest self help therapy is getting 13 tattoos and piercings everywhere. Our children and 7 grandchildren think she’s gone off the deep end. My boys have told me “Dad, I don’t want my children brought up in this environment”. To be honest to the readers if this post, I don’t blame them. So, back to the original subject, my wife refuses to have sex. It’s been 4 long years now. I’ve been patient hoping that one day she will be the same person she once was, but I don’t think it will ever happen. I’m not going to divorce as I do feel her pysical & Psycological problems are the issue. Plus, at my age I’m not interested in disrupting my whole family or starting over again. Right now I am pondering over the subject of having an affair for my own sanity. Going all this time with ZERO affection & intimacy is starting to get to me. I’ve tried talking to her & suggested counciling & she refuses the see a psychologist. I do feel guilty thinking about cheating but what shall I do?????

    • Sara
      Posted January 15, 2017 at 3:04 pm | Permalink

      She needs to get some pain pills, and spread ’em. She married you. She is morally obligated to have sex any time you want to.

      • Anon
        Posted August 18, 2017 at 2:49 pm | Permalink

        Uhm, WTF, no?!

  4. Orga
    Posted June 7, 2014 at 2:14 am | Permalink

    Oh dear you still depend on your wife for sex? Look around there are so many beautiful women around you! Be a man! Travel around, make some guy friends, hit the pubs and discos and enjoy your life. Take care of your kids though. Throw some maintenance money on your wife’s face and let her do what she wants. You don’t need to beg for sex! Pick up a sport or go to a good social club after office. Make business associates and friends. Life is too short to be wasted on people who doesn’t deserve you.

  5. Jon
    Posted July 14, 2014 at 10:49 am | Permalink

    Says the single guy posing as a married guy.

  6. Kenney
    Posted August 24, 2014 at 12:02 am | Permalink

    I did something similar to my ex-wife and it really frustrated her greatly!!!I didn’t care because that was my way of getting back at all the teenage girls that made fun of me in high school etc.I plan to still keep doing this until my father passes away.I never wanted my parents to see me married with children so then when they’re gone…I will feel liberated from my past and I will be able to function normally!!!…

  7. Johnny trucker
    Posted September 29, 2014 at 12:00 pm | Permalink

    I’ve been dealing with this for the last couple of years. 21 years of marriage what else is there to say but, “welcome to the party pal!”

  8. Chris
    Posted October 24, 2014 at 12:04 pm | Permalink

    One big big issue that isn’t mentioned here is that the Birth Control Pill can severely damage a woman’s sex drive for a very long time.

    http://blogs.forward.com/sisterhood-blog/161392/sinfully-safe-sex/

  9. Anonymous
    Posted November 9, 2014 at 9:57 pm | Permalink

    All the above has been tried. I am at the end of my rope. My wife refuses counseling. Refuses to talk about any of this with her doctor. She gets angry when I bring up the fact that there is no intimacy and she claims that the reason we don’t have it because of what I am doing right now, asking her about it. She claims that since our twins were born (5 years ago) that she has lost any sex drive that she had & that she simply is not attracted to me. I have made sure that her dream of being a stay-at-home mommy has come true. We are not hurting financially and I more than carry my load of the household chores and childcare. She even brags of me doing that to her friends. I have asked her if an affair is going on. That just brings on greater resentment and anger.

    I can’t live without my children. They are just too precious to me. The thought of having my time limited with them by some court is just something I will not accept. However, I am told almost every other day that I am stupid, an idiot, and that I am dense and have no common sense, just if I disagree with her or stand up for myself. It’s a painful existence.

    I see a counselor, who I like, yet my wife refuses to see claiming, “You have all the problems. I don’t.”

    I just do not know what to do.

    • Joe
      Posted November 28, 2014 at 8:42 pm | Permalink

      You are a useful idiot. Seriously.

    • Anonymous
      Posted April 26, 2015 at 9:06 pm | Permalink

      You don’t deserve what is being done to you by you’re wife. I know you do not want a divorce but you might haveb to get one… Your twins will understand you! You just need to explain to them in a way that 5 year old’s would understand. Divorcing someone who does not love you anymore or calls you names is not someone who you need in you live. All that negativity is not good for you’re children either. Just go to a lawyer to see what your choices are. If your wife is not willing to change for you or the family them maybe you’re only choice is a divorce….. (Hopefully not)

    • Anonymous
      Posted August 2, 2015 at 7:33 am | Permalink

      This sounds very similar to what I am going through… I have made no head way either. I feel like I’m in limbo.

    • Yiannis
      Posted August 17, 2015 at 8:27 pm | Permalink

      This woman sounds abusive and is going to use you until you give up.

      Sorry to say this, but i grew up with crazy woman and woman are NOT precious BUT extremely dangerous to everybody around them… get away from her…. They can be manipulative and indirectly mess with your emotions to set up you and make you look bad.

      Your wife, from you post ( i could be wrong) sounds like a real bad person and you need to get away from her in the most peaceful way. Do not mingle too much with her, sounds like shes waiting for the excuses to make you look bad and turn your image into a sack of potatoes…. Trust me i was the third party that saw it first hand, and it hurt myself at a young age to see it and growing up witnessing my family go through it. I ended up putting ny foot down and drawing lines … but memories and damages to children never go away..

      Your wife, is a person and she is probably too old and mature to change the way she thinks. So you need to be man, put your foot down and leave. You draw the line of who you are and what you stand for and i am sure your children will appreciate the strong father that supports them.

      And never forget who you are inside and your family.

      Forget your wife, she sound really dangerous and bad human being.

      I have fear for you if you stay.

      Life is short, its not worth it.

      Get ready to pay 400-600 per month min. And thats ok, you tell the court the dead honest truth. They are not stupid, your wife will use ur words and actions against you. Leave now so you win the custody battle. Cause shes preparing to screw you up!

    • Anonymous
      Posted November 2, 2015 at 3:39 pm | Permalink

      Get rid of that f n bitch

    • Jo
      Posted May 10, 2016 at 9:34 pm | Permalink

      hello,
      I am in the same situation. Married for 18 years, very low intimacy starting 16 years ago (before 1st child was born), totally gone for the last 5 years.
      Like you, I love my children so much that I cannot fathom the pain of sharing custody. Also our financial situation would not allow divorce and keeping homeschooling.
      Like you, my wife refuses to talk about intimacy and pretends that the fact of talking about it is the reason she is not interested…
      From my counselor, I got that awesome mantra that keeps me going whenever my energy is low: “I am choosing to stay in this marriage.”. This gives me back my power.
      In spite of loving my wife very dearly, I know that, when the children are of-age, I will decide to end this relationship and let go with love and compassion, for I have little to no hope that the situation will evolve by then (even though I keep bringing it every month or so).
      Good luck to you

  10. J
    Posted November 10, 2014 at 10:28 pm | Permalink

    I, the wife, don’t care to sleep with my husband ever again too, because in my case he doesn’t treat me nice. For over 12 years he has treated me mostly like crap. He is a gambler who works a lot for his addiction. Never has sought therapy for it either. He is with great effort trying to pay bills ( for past 6 months) and gives me $800.00/ every 2 weeks ( for 3 months so far), but throws it in my face. Telling me what are you doing with the 1600 a month I give you. I take the money because at least now I can shop, a bit anyways. I buy groceries, clothes, gas, my school, etc. I don’t work because he has messed with my credit and his and I’ve had cancer. I’m educated but because of my credit and cancer am jobless. Yet he has no problem finding jobs and quits them like no big deal. He also, continues to publicly yell at me and blames me for everything. I’m so done, but am secretly enjoying that he now sleeps on the sofa and gets no sex or intimacy from me. I have never cheated on him and never will ( he would kill me). If he does divorce me, I will be sad, but will move on with my 11 year old son and never look back. I will soon be a realtor because I’ve spent some of the money on school again. I will probably leave him, because I have done all the sacrificing in this relationship and I can’t no more. He is also infatuated and mesmerized with white women. I will not compete nor feel like I should so I am punishing him with no sex no intimacy but converse just enough with him to secure my bi-weekly money, which at this point I value much more than him. By the way, he never shares his winnings and he has won big! He is controlling and he speaks to me very harshly. Yes I realize I am in a verbally abusive relationship and wished that I had left him the first week we met, because this was the first time of abuse.

    When I read how other women are withholding sex from their husbands, I felt the need to explain why some of us choose to do so. We don’t have feelings for you like we use to. Three years, that’s sad. In our case, I will move on, it’s been 3 weeks barely. Sorry I sound so cold-hearted, but I just can’t feel sorry for any men in this situation because I believe most women have valid reasons for doing this.

  11. michael
    Posted November 23, 2014 at 3:20 pm | Permalink

    I am just shocked to read such posts. Well at least I know that I am not alone in the world. My wife completely refuses all forms of intimacy up to and including holding hands. Not only that, but she also refuses to attend any business function or black tie event. This has been going on for about four years. When she gets dressed or undressed, it is done behind 3 locked doors (the bedroom,bathroom and closet) so no one can see her naked. We are the only two in the house.
    I have no children and she has two (both are college graduates). We are both highly educated and professionally employed in the healthcare field. Neither of us drink or gamble.

    • Joe
      Posted November 28, 2014 at 8:42 pm | Permalink

      Another useful idiot.

  12. Joe
    Posted November 28, 2014 at 8:34 pm | Permalink

    You all are STUPID people with a capital S. I would divorce her so fast it would make your head spin.

    You sound like pathetic losers, really.

  13. Hightech
    Posted November 29, 2014 at 2:15 am | Permalink

    Same here for a few years… I unfortunately deal with the wrong way and cheat on her. I feel better and she is left alone..

  14. Peter
    Posted July 1, 2015 at 12:55 am | Permalink

    Hello

    I just wanted to say that I experience exactly the same problems in my marriage of no intimacy.no sex to speak of and this has been going on for about a dozen years since she fell pregnant with our second child.
    In my earlier career I came across this professionally many ,many times. I was a divorce lawyer and I saw it from both husbands and wives who sought my assistance.
    People are massively complex. Until we all become telepathically gifted we will never really know what is going on in our partner’s heads.
    Regrettably I believe that counselling and therapy only work if both parties are wiling to try.
    It is a lot easier to retreat into denial and carry on with the compensatory daily routine.
    What I think I do know is that anger ,impatience and dramatic decision making is unlikely to produce a satisfactory result.

    • KnowName
      Posted August 1, 2017 at 6:16 pm | Permalink

      yep i have tried all three only makes things worse

  15. Raptor
    Posted July 3, 2015 at 9:47 am | Permalink

    My story begins when I was married around a 2 years back, all things were seems great and wonderful but something worse happens when Almighty God blessed me with a very beautiful daughter. Days and Nights I spend with my family were one of my golden days of life, but suddenly something drastic happens I don’t know the facts you had mentioned above in para 1 to 8 which might my story falls or relate in….. but I do agree the post of the guest that life is so short and instead of begging you should find some one else who can be favorable in all your aspects.

  16. sara
    Posted August 4, 2015 at 4:03 pm | Permalink

    married for 10 years and have a 3 yr old . recently found out my husband slept with escorts and went to nude clubs to have lap dances . i have very low sex drive. i cant act for something that i don’t feel. i have depression. i am a shy, introverted person. for last 10 years we haven’t had much sex. but i really love my husband. i don’t wanna leave him. sometimes i wonder why i am so attracted to him. i think it was because his good qualities. we never talked about anything to improve our sex relationship. i thought my depression cause the lack of sex drive. i realized i had depression later. because i didn’t know about it even i had it since childhood. so last year i went back to my country (i am a foreigner)to get medication for depression and for other medical conditions(i don’t have insurance here). i spent 4 months there with my son. during that period my husband had visited nude clubs and escorts(which i never expected from him the way he behaves). i caught him one day . . then i checked email, bank statements etc…i found out a lot. and some dirty text messages exchanging with escorts. i was shocked, heart broken and still couldn’t believe he did it. after many lies he confessed. and he had been watching porn too.(by the way i found out it on our 10 Th anniversary day. an unforgettable gift ) we talked. i accepted my faults and he said he would not go to clubs or with prostitutes. but he said he wants to watch porn because he’s been doing it for long time. i agreed even i didn’t like it. because i didn’t not want to take everything away form him at once. because addictions take some time to recover. i asked him why he never told me about his feelings. he said he was trying to adjust to my life style. so he was showing me a different personality for 10 years and couldn’t do it longer. ( he hasn’t hold my hand or given a kiss for long time willingly unless i ask him to give me a kiss. but he hopes me to have sex ) i never knew till now that he had high sex drive. he should have discussed before taking a huge step. it has been two months. i still cant make up my mind. thought of moving out. but i don’t want my son to loose his dad. neither do i. but every time i see him reminds me of him being with all the women. still while i am around he looks at other women a lot. not once . even he promised i fear him going with escorts and to clubs. it is a burden. all the time he goes out alone i stress out.
    i really don’t know how to overcome the stress. how to makeup my mind and continue the relationship. and rebuild the trust. rebuilding trust takes sometime. but my husband hopes me to have it quickly. he doesn’t understand the pain i am going through. he thinks since i had no desire for sex him going escorts didn’t matter to me. we choose to be together for lifetime. with no discussion he just went out and got what he want. he said love and sex is different and still he loves me even though he had sex with escorts.

    some advise would be appreciated to make up my mind and broken heart.

    to all men who are frustrated not having sex from your wives-
    please first try to communicate. tell how you really feel. take counselling, medication, show her some love ,affection. a little thing like holding her hand, a loving word and a loving touch can make her day and might leads to a good sexual relationship. women love the affection. women love to be your girlfriend as they were before you were married.

    taking decisions that harms your marriage drags more troubles into your life. destroy everything in seconds you build up for long time.
    great communication and showing affection can help most of the problems.

    • Bud
      Posted May 16, 2016 at 8:17 pm | Permalink

      You don’t touch him, and yet you have the nerve to spy on him. You my friend “endure” the struggle. People like you take pleasure in going through hard times. You brought his on yourself and your next relationship WILL be a mirrored experience, meaning the same thing will happen again until you get your act together. You didn’t marry yourself, you married someone else who has needs and if you don’t want to step up to the plate, then don’t waste his time. Maybe if you put all the effort towards him as you put in spying on him, then maybe he would still be around

      • EB White
        Posted November 15, 2016 at 10:48 pm | Permalink

        I understand the sentiment but that is a bit harsh.

        After all, these two have just learnt a lot about each other. We don’t know what it is really like in their relationship, of course, but lets really hope it leads to positive things and a way forward for them.

        To Sara, remember that even where you’re drive is low, you have things that you enjoy being done to you sexually. If a new and strong channel of communication has been formed as a result of what you have both been through, please be sure to use this channel to tell him what you really, really like. Learning what excites you will probably excite him, and who knows, it will happen more often for both of you, and you will both be satisified. Sex is something to be explored and is a learning curve. See it as part of the foundation for a strong relationship. Take his hand and take him to places you both want to go!!!

    • john
      Posted April 7, 2017 at 11:32 pm | Permalink

      Well no wonder he goes to escorts! If you actually showed him some intimacy and had sex with him he would not have wandered off. Get real lady!

  17. Scott
    Posted August 10, 2015 at 8:19 am | Permalink

    I am also in the sexless marriage club. Seven times this year and dont bring it up I might piss her off even if its brought up in a loving way. We have been married for 18years and sex has been a struggle for most of them absolutely no headway . I cook and clean take care of the yard and maintenance on the house plan dates we go camping take the occasional trip oh I also have taken over paying the bills have always done homework with our son take him to baseball practice twice a week . With a ton of stress off her she should have a few extra minutes to relax and focus on our marriage but its just not happening at a loss here mot feeling the drive to keep going in this mess. I’ve researched as much as I can only to continue the rejection divorce seems to be the only out for me. Any advice is welcome but I think I need to research how to deal with divorce.

  18. RoJo
    Posted October 26, 2015 at 6:00 pm | Permalink

    I was married for 9 years when the exact same thing started. Went on for about 3 more years before the final breakdown commenced. Till that point she always avoided the subject, shrugged it off or ridiculed me for my having a problem with it. When the isht hit the fan, I told her that I was leaving to find someone who could uphold their side of the wedding vows. I served 11 years in the Marine Corps and after my discharge I landed a financial dream job contracting. Well when she pictured me and “our” lifestyle walking out on her she got her tail in gear. This went on for about another year before I came to the conclusion (and an accurate one) that she liked her labor free lifestyle. So once again I told her I was done and I left. I have never looked back and couldn’t be happier. I used to get the random texts and emails about how she missed me and still wants “us” to work but I have found that the delete button works very well. In short there’s no reason anyone should remain unhappy. If you’ve had your fill then voice up, make it fast and loud so she can’t misunderstand it. What she does there will determine the outcome for you two but I can most certainly agree that it will not be a bad thing for you. I hated Parris Island when I went there but I can say it was the best thing I did and I hated leaving my wife but it was the best thing I did. Only you can make yourself do for you, you can’t make anyone else do for you. If you’re married then I wish you the best. If you’re not, DO NOT get married.

  19. Bido
    Posted November 7, 2015 at 11:41 am | Permalink

    If you cannot divorce for whatever reason then do it with other women. Otherwise divorce.

    • Anonymous
      Posted July 7, 2016 at 9:20 am | Permalink

      I would like some advice from all you readers please. I married my wife 10 years ago to give her herGreen card did it for free because I care for her very much.we have a child eight year old. She also got her citizen ship. Within the 10 years I’m the one who always initiate sex she don’t have no feelings for me, I talk to her about it and it goes through one ears and come back out the other. I asked her if she cheating on me and she said no.When we were moving in our first apartment I used all my money to furnish the apartment, I went and asked her to give me some money to help me furnish the apartment she said she is going to lend me the money and I’ve to pay her back, and I did pay her back and she took the money.I know that was a sign, there is so many signs but I keep on ignoring them because I love my daughter. We went to counseling once, did’nt help. She don’t want to change. Very selfish and mean, the other day her car need to fix I took it to the mechanic they charged me $300 to fix the car I used my credit ash her for the still the have’nt giving it me been 2 years now. I’m Sagittarius always give 100% to the people that love and care for. I know I give it my all, and I also pray. I’m 14 years older than her, I’m 55 she is 45.
      She hides all her money from me she got a trust from grandmother that pass away for thousands and she hides it from me, she lives in my moms house gives me $700 month while she is saving $1000 a month from her paycheck. I can’t save because I have two child support payments totaling $800 each month.she is very SELFISH, all that I did for her and she turn her back on me, I was lost in darkness because I did loved her, and did so much for me, I put her before me and my children, also help her through school to get an accounting degree. Now she is making minimum wage $24,000 a year the minimum wage with an accounting degree I think she don’t want to get a job now making 40 – 50 thousands. In April 2016 she tells me that she just file for her mother to come in the United States from Jamaica, when we’re snooping around in her draw I saw papers file from 2014 saying her motheers making$57,000 without a high school diploma.i know she is using me, she hides everything from me everything is a secret all her money and her personal things, she only be friendly when her car need to fix and anything in her favor.once in while when we having sex she turn her back to me..Now God open up my

    • Posted July 7, 2016 at 9:46 am | Permalink

      I would like some advice from all you readers please. I married my wife 10 years ago to give her herGreen card did it for free because I care for her very much.we have a child eight year old. She also got her citizen ship. Within the 10 years I’m the one who always initiate sex she don’t have no feelings for me, I talk to her about it and it goes through one ears and come back out the other. I asked her if she cheating on me and she said no.When we were moving in our first apartment I used all my money to furnish the apartment, I went and asked her to give me some money to help me furnish the apartment she said she is going to lend me the money and I’ve to pay her back, and I did pay her back and she took the money.I know that was a sign, there is so many signs but I keep on ignoring them because I love my daughter. We went to counseling once, did’nt help. She don’t want to change. Very selfish and mean, the other day her car need to fix I took it to the mechanic they charged me $300 to fix the car I used my credit ash her for the still the have’nt giving it me been 2 years now. I’m Sagittarius always give 100% to the people that love and care for. I know I give it my all, and I also pray. I’m 14 years older than her, I’m 55 she is 45.
      She hides all her money from me she got a trust from grandmother that pass away for thousands and she hides it from me, she lives in my moms house gives me $700 month while she is saving $1000 a month from her paycheck. I can’t save because I have two child support payments totaling $800 each month.she is very SELFISH, all that I did for her and she turn her back on me, I was lost in darkness because I did loved her, and did so much for me, I put her before me and my children, also help her through school to get an accounting degree. Now she is making minimum wage $24,000 a year the minimum wage with an accounting degree I think she don’t want to get a job now making 40 – 50 thousands. In April 2016 she tells me that she just file for her mother to come in the United States from Jamaica, when we’re snooping around in her draw I saw papers file from 2014 saying her motheers visa has approved.making$57,000 without a high school diploma.i know she is using me, she hides everything from me everything is a secret all her money and her personal things, she only be friendly when her car need to fix and anything in her favor.once in while when we having sex she turn her back to me..Now God has open up my from darkness to light . I spoke to my mom and siblings and each person has different opinion we are all a Christian family. Now I know for sure I’m being used and taken for granted. I saw a couple of lawyers and they are telling me I might have to pay alimony, I’m willing to pay child support for my daughter, but I don’t agree with the alimony for someone who don’t care about you and using you.my email is mafjud@gmail.com

  20. tirus ngari
    Posted November 13, 2015 at 1:58 am | Permalink

    we dont wish it to happen,am surfering this same problem,my wife doesnt want me anywhere near her in public,we dont even have time 2 talk we sleap same bed but no sex but i luv my two boys so much to leave them

  21. Faithful 1
    Posted November 23, 2015 at 8:53 am | Permalink

    My wife began ignoring intimacy 3 yrs after marriage.. Then, she wanted kids and intimacy was wonderful until after the second child. Now, no intimacy at all.. Nothing for over 37 years now.. I stay in the marriage for financial reasons and religion. My friends all say it’s “cheaper to keep her”, and I have a comfortable life.

    That said, the lack of intimacy is overwhelming.. Why do women do that to their men? They use sex to get a guy and after the wedding ring goes on, they refuse it.. This is probably why the divorce rate is so high. They don’t realize what intimacy is in a marriage and that it doesn’t always mean intercourse. They just don’t care about keeping their man satisfied.. It’s wired into us from conception. That wedding ring gives them some sort of underlying power which guys are helpless against..

    I should have listened to my friends who told me not to marry. They were right. It’s a lonely life when your wife will sleep in the same bed and withhold that important sexual connection.. I am angry about it and can tell my feelings for are far from what they used to be.. I am no longer in love with her and live my life as though she’s just someone living in my home. There has never been any abuse, hatred or nastiness between us… I was happy until she began shutting me off.. We’ve spent a small fortune on counseling with different counselors including phycologists, psychiatrists and medical doctors.. After all that, she finally admitted she has little or no interest in sex and used it to try to “train” me… So, I cut all the emotional strings with her and fell out of love.

    Marriage was encouraged at the beginning of time for survival, but in todays’ environment, it has become outdated and useless when either spouse uses it to abuse the other.. I’ve never had an affair or gone outside the marriage for sex and feel I’m living in some sort of punishing hell for reasons I don’t understand..

    • john
      Posted April 7, 2017 at 11:39 pm | Permalink

      I feel for you – the fact is that your wife is sinning against you by withholding herself from you. I know. My wife does the same – it hurts. But I won’t leave her. Trapped in a sexless and loveless marriage…

    • Sol G
      Posted May 31, 2017 at 10:59 am | Permalink

      You’re poor husband. I can’t imagine a worst fate than to be in his situation with you and his family.

  22. Posted January 16, 2016 at 7:55 am | Permalink

    My husband when he came home from three and a half years of submarine deployment 1st of June 1985. Came home expecting to have the same as every other person in the area, His seniority at work to count for something, a home life that included sex, holidays off, vacations that his accrued seniority could get him.
    However when he came home with more accrued seniority than 60 percent of the workforce of 7500, Under the UAW contract his seniority continued to build while on military leave. This meant under the national contract, he could come back go from a shift he did not want to a shift and job he did want, he could make people with less seniority work holidays, and weekends he did not want to work. Take the vacation slots he wanted over lesser seniority. This was a problem that was bought to my attention six months before his navy discharge by his father. He had friends that had less seniority than my husband, other friends had children and family that had less seniority than my husband.
    His father begged me to help keep my husband from coming home after he refused reenlistment, and disrupting the lives of others in the area just because he had more seniority, The only influence I could exert was through sex denial. It was started over a young girl with six months seniority on days, She was a pretty blond 19 year old who if she was bumped to seconds because my husband wanted off seconds, that shift would have devastated any social life for this girl. Within three days of my husbands return he slammed out of his fathers house going to the house we had just rented with a thin foam mat and his army blanket and his sleeping bag.
    I was left cowering at the end of the table when he called me a mercenary b**** and grabbed the keys to the house we had rented. His mother was just about flattened on his way out. and she went to try and beg him to understand the terms I had set was only two years. just to make sure people weren’t hurt by his return. He would barely say two words a day to me the next two years then it was only ok roomie.
    Then he was planning with me to go on a vacation to Rome with me and the group. he had lived up to my terms 12 hours a day 16 on holidays and Sundays. the entire two years and this was going to be his first day off since 1981 and it was now 1987. We were leaving for Rome the day before Memorial day 1987, when his father came over after he left for work with a demand that my husband cancel his vacation slot. So the same girl could go with her mother, father, and fiancé to have a June wedding in Rome. If my husband kept his vacation slot, she could not even request a LOA to go because she had been absent from work a total of 4 weeks the last year. If my husband kept his slot she could not get it, so I went hat in hand and asked my husband to just stay and work through the Rome trip.
    I saw the fury in his face that I would even ask, I told him sometime after we came back we could do something on our own, then his demands came down, first I had to sign and swear o1111111n my bible that I would go any where, any place and any time he chose, that I would be the willing sex partner. I swore and signed the two copies he made before that trip. he also took most the cash I had intended to take as well as made his father and everyone else pay him back the moneys he had already put down in non refundables,
    I had to beg on my knees to get him to take us to the airport in our van. He was insulting to the girl, her parents, and her fiance, telling them this was the last straw with him. That the next time theyt wanted something from him they could drop dead, We got out of the van and his father screamed at him to get our luggage into checking, He got out of the van. Shuffled to the back taking a page from Finnigans gold. He went to the back of the van in front of everyone in the airport, he said, ” Yas massas, dis po good for nuttin nigga gets rights on its. yous alls can beats me after yous alls gets your alls jollies on de trip.” His father said will you just be a man get our things in. we saw the vans doors open. Started getting our papers in order, Then I heard the van start and he peels away leaving our luggage scatterd on the road with his mddle finger in the air as he left. all in all the Beginning of the trip was ruined because we had asked him to hold of for a better time for other peoples needs. I showed his mother the agreement I had made The whole group discussed the best vacation slot my husband could take. The decision was he could and should take the time frame from January second to February 14th seven months away, His father said he could work the Christmas down week to pay for any vacation instead of trying to ruin everyone else’s like he tried ruining this one. We arrived back at 730 am on a Saturday two weeks latter. I had just cleared customs with a peace offering of a pair of new boot that at Nordstrom would have cost in excess of 1000.00 When I saw his cloths hanging on a hook in the back and his seabag was in the back packed. and I told him when we had decided his vacation was going to be. I said lets go to breakfast, show him the pictures of Rome and give him his peace offering, and we could discuss the reasons for the winter vacation. He looked me square in the eye and told me I was not the one that decided his vacation slot ever again, he through me a belt and said start flogging he was not changing his mind he was planning to be almost in Kansas by 3 that after noon and heading for Yosemite, everyone knew he had used his seniority to set the scheadual back three weeks. I was standing there crying why he was doing this it was just seven months.
    He said who would he want that time, could not go anywhere after I blew the budget on Christmas which he added he was planning to take off that year. I had everyone looking on in a way that said I had better put my foot down. He held up what I had sworn to the two weeks prior and told me then I was not going to keep my word. His mother asked him to try and see it their way, he said you never try and see any thing my way, an hour after coming through the front door you were spouting there’s always tomorrow, he said he was tired of everyone using that on him as an excuse. He was tired of paying my way through life with nothing in return but some crummy peace offering and he was tired of doing without what he wanted for our social climbing snobbery. His father said jut shut his face and accept he was not to have the life he wanted. just do as he was told. The van skidded to a stop and his father was told to get out on the Interstate. It was everybody begging him not to do this he had made his point, I said Well he was going to take me to breakfast and we would talk over a different time frame maybe October in four months He said no I haven’t had a day of since January 1981. He was taking his vacation now and expected me to live up to my word. I said no he was going to listen for once. The van pulled off at the next exit into the bus terminal. I saw his father head to the payphones. My husband pulled out a maniila Envelope and Signed two sheets and put on back in the envelope. It contained the entire 12000.00 in savings in a cashiers check He was putting me on a bus back to my mothers in Virginia that was leaving in the hour.
    The letter to my mother said I was being returned in the same condition received. It was such an embarrassment. To tell my mother that we had not had a husband wife relationship since before our wedding was not the nicest thing I continued to hear from her. She was even more angry than my husband.
    My husbands father went to the phones like I said and had a court order issued requiring my husband to work all hours offered. The divorce was thrown out two years latter. because I am bi polar. The court order remained in force until 2001. There were some very dangerous situations until then that even bought the sheriff out to tell my husband either work or jail. That judge was put off the bench in 2000 and the order to work was canceled in 2001. Then all hell broke loose, he started taking his seniority rights first with a job bid, His father and others wanted the bid to go to a man that had 15 years less seniority. My husband did not care in the least what everyone wanted, So again hat in hand I went to him and told him that I would normalize our sex life, stand with him on the next vacation to Ireland in 2003 and any vacation after if he just stayed on second shift on the job he was on. He just looked at me and said I was a liar and tramp, and he wished me dead.
    The next morning four men came up on our porch to make my husband remove his bid, At his fathers instruction I bolted my husband out. Through the door I told him the four men were there to ensure his cooperation. I heard his sailors rhetoric. To say the least it burned my ears off. Through the Window I saw the four jump him then I saw something like the tass turn four men into critical care patients all badly injured over a job. His father and his friends decided after that to ensure my husbands cooperation with fire arms, shot guns and pistols. When my husband became so depressed in 2009 he was doing things like throwing me across an airport concourse because I allowed his father to take his passport and boarding pass’s for the fight and orient express. He took all the money I was going to take and told me I was not going since he was not so I had better get my money from the tickets back. He actually ripped his fathers pockets open in the middle of the airport getting his passport back and TSA and the sheriff had to beg for just subsistence funds back for me. The Union Chaplin arrived to get my husband just to go into work and not turn me and his father into bloody spots on the wall. his mother roundhouse slapped his father and walked away asking after 31 years of marriage was he going to have anything he wanted instead of just work. He developed MRSA in his spine after his Immune system collapsed because of his depression and exhaustion. Three years later he came home, discovered my affair!
    He was not in a wheel chair as expected but I was seeing a man that felt humiliate my husband was needed he swept his cane putting my husband on the floor That cane thrown like a spear fractured the other mans scull, I was trying to keep my husband from doing even more damage and ended up slapped into a corner.
    He was cuffed and put in a stress center, The next two weeks all I did was cry, until his father said go to a fund raising dinner with him, my mother in law and his fathers best friend when my husband walked through the door with a bone in his teeth. He ripped my dress off and raped me, Telling everything he had supplied in my life and asked one question what had I returned, no meals fixed, no sex, he cleaned the house and did the yard, while I dealt with my society friends. I was begging and pleading at that point even handing him 100.00 to pick a place to meet after the event I had promised to go to I would change into a different out fit since he just shredded one. We could lay out his grievences of the last three decades
    , I meant to say find solutions but I said figure out what he was allowed. I found out he was not going to let any one but himself decide what he was allowed when he raped me. Everything the last three years has been retreat, a little boy from the rape. and more retreat.
    Christmas I just wanted guest not to feel fear at my husbands presence. Since he refused to go any where I gave him the first Christmas dinner at home in 33 years. I filled his plate and handed him his silverware, I told him to go out and eat in the barn out of the wind. the plate hit me in the face my husband tossed out of his own house. and then his father getting a lariat thrown around his neck and he told everyone to leave at the point of a 30 30 riffle. All in all its turned into a terror the last sixteen years because I could not figure a way to get all needs seen to that was acceptable to all.

  23. Robert
    Posted January 20, 2016 at 9:18 am | Permalink

    About 5 years ago, we stopped all sexual activity. Brief kiss good bye, holding hands in public are still OK. This situation had elicited an internal dilemma for me. The result is I often find fault with my wife in very mundane activity but mainly conversations. About 10 years ago, I did fall in love with another woman. This woman loved me but we did not attempt physical intimacy as that is a bar our morals would not allow. How I wish our morals would have prevented our love from ever developing. I moved out of our house in an attempt to determine which woman I truly loved and wanted to spend my remaining years with. At that point, my wife threw herself at me with all the love she could. I melted and fell in love with my wife again. All was well for next 5 years then the physical intimacy stopped. Her explanation is “I do not want it”. I believe she feels badly about the situation but cannot bring her self to have sexual activity. I can accept the fact that she does not feel the need. I have asked her to consult a MD and start hormone treatment that will reawaken her sexual needs and desires. She has refused. I will not leave her even though she has plenty of money in an IRA, she would not want for material needs. The reason I will not leave her is because I allowed myself to fall in love with another woman and did nothing to stop myself or prevent that from happening. My belief is I should have divorced first then allowed any new love to develop it it would. Because I failed to follow what my brain told me was the correct behavior, I now have come to believe that I owe my wife. She needs to believe she will never be left by me as I scared her in the past. My guess is my current behavior of finding fault with her is an attempt to have here reject me via divorce. The truth is I do not know what it is. If my desire for sexual activity would drop to her level or her level of sexual desire would rise to my level then perhaps we would both be happier. Unfortunately, sexual desire is not controlled by thoughts or wishes. I have no idea what the future will be for us.

  24. Susan
    Posted February 27, 2016 at 8:17 am | Permalink

    Interesting. I am the wife, who adores sex, but, has pulled away sexually from her husband. It’s been almost a year. I’m exhausted. I’m exhausted for being the provider financially for 22 years, the cleaner, the cook, the laundress, etc. I’m exhausted from all the arguments; I asked for a divorce, he responded “I know my rights, I’m not going anywhere .” I started to drink, then it was, “you get sober, for six months and I’ll give you a divorce.” I am now 8 months into recovery, and still nothing. We have two beautiful kids, my daughter has NOTHING to do with her father. I wish I was strong enough to leave. I pay my mortgage off next week. Sad. Because if we do divorce, he gets half, no matter if he sits in bed watching videos for weeks. He cheated on me before we were married and gave me the gift that keeps on giving. Told me he married me out of guilt, anyway, it’s been a tough marriage. I’ve told him to seek other women for his needs. He’s asked for councilling, I told him to set it up
    Nothing.
    Communication. And to have a man who worked hard every day, who provided for me and my children; well, I can no longer have that, but, my daughter can. And will.

  25. Susan
    Posted February 27, 2016 at 8:33 am | Permalink

    ONLY if she wants marriage. And it takes two to make a marriage.

  26. Bud
    Posted May 16, 2016 at 8:23 pm | Permalink

    Maritime 10 years, don’t want kids with his woman because she barely touches me as is, I can’t imagine how pushed away I would be when a kid is involved. I am so affectionate towards her. I clean up after her, I pay bills, I don’t bother her when she needs time to herself, she lays like a starfish during sex. She doesn’t want me. She went with her whore gf to see Magic Mike one night and I’m just like ” why would you do that, when you never touch me. I’m just giving up, I am in such great shape for her and she does not appreciate it. I tell her all the time how much I love her and I’m here for her and miss her, but she doesn’t appreciate it. Never initiates sex. NEVER HAVE IN 10 YEARS! Like why am I wasting my time.

  27. Kumar
    Posted July 1, 2016 at 12:50 am | Permalink

    My wife refuses sex wirh me. We had only 3 times of sex for last 6 yrs. As I have a 6yr old son I cannot leave the family. Also I love my wife so much. She is not romantic now. She used to be a very atractive sex partner early 2 years of our marriage. I am really disappointed. Please help me.

    • Posted July 1, 2016 at 9:01 am | Permalink

      The idea that you must stay in a marriage because you have children is not necessarily true. Think about what you are modeling to your son; he sees a marriage without any romance. How do you want him to be in his marriage? Children model after their parents, and he is not seeing a healthy relationship right now. Take your wife to couple’s therapy and sex therapy. Let her know this cannot continue indefinitely. Also, ask yourself, if she was a very attractive sex partner early on, then where is she getting her sexual satisfaction right now? You two must get help; three sexual encounters in six years is unacceptable!

  28. George
    Posted August 17, 2016 at 10:50 am | Permalink

    My wife refuse most of the time to have sex, but forbids me to masturbate. I lied a few times about the fact that I did masturbate and now she totally refuses to have sex with me because of lack of trust. She thinks it’s bad to pleasure’s oneself. She can be a whole month without approaching me, and if I do approach her, she pushes me away almost all the time. Now that she found out I lied about the fact that I masturbate, she only said she cannot trust and she’s even farther and have less sex. She wants me to agree with her that masturbation is bad, while still withholding sex for a month. I would say that I have intercourse on an average of once a month. Any suggestion on how I can handle the situation? I am going to become crazy!

    Thank you

    • KnowName
      Posted August 1, 2017 at 5:57 pm | Permalink

      leave, or learn to live without sex.

      Your girl may never agree with you.

      If it’s like this now it will most likely never get better, for a lot of woman sex is not needed like it is for most men.
      Your girls need sex and you do it’s an incompatible relationship on that basis and even if everything else is perfect if you need sex and one of her friends offers it to you in a few years.

      Chances are you will start shaking and trembling have sex with her throw up afterward and start having feelings of worthlessness and guilt for years to come.
      You would never be able to tell your girlfriend because even masturbation is mistreating you over and at that point, it will be clear to you maintaining the relationship is impossible.

      The longer she is in the relationship on her terms the less she will think your terms matter at all.

      The simple fact is you need sex and even tho you only want it from her ever the rest of your life your body is making demands and has needs that are not being met so this is an unhealthy relationship.
      the point of being loyal to and maintaining one partner is the needs of both people are met by the other.
      If they are not it’s a one sided relationship, anyone that loves you equally will do their best to understand and care for your needs.
      This doesn’t mean over not everything will be magic it takes time and lots of talking to make things work.
      At this point, she isn’t mature enough to take that into consideration.
      You’re also not mature enough to realize the long term effects of your affection and love her her.

      in a few years once she can realize she needs to take care of your needs as much as you need to take care of hers this might be a wonderful marriage but the chances are you will give into her ideals the best you can out of love and meet a brick wall from your bodies need which will destroy the relationship and leave you very damaged as a person ruining your future relationships by making you over sexualize and have loyalty issues

  29. John
    Posted August 17, 2016 at 7:56 pm | Permalink

    My wife say
    She had lots of trauma in the past
    Because I was working in far away place when the kids where young
    She had to bring up the kids alone
    These cumulative problems ended up in denial of sex now. It’s 10 years now.
    We had sex 6 months back
    I feel she had decrease libido since she started dieting and intense yoga and aerobic dance. of course she lost 15kg
    She is a doctor so she is not will for any medical treatments

  30. Jim
    Posted September 27, 2016 at 2:57 pm | Permalink

    I’ve been married for 45 years and have usually had to beg for sex for the last 35 years. We have 2 grown children. My wife refuses to talk about her refusal to have sex only to say “sex has never been a priority to me”. I have told her I wish I knew that before we were married. I understand pain is a contributing factor for her since menopause. I do not ask her for intercourse because of her pain. I inform her there are other ways to satisfy sexual urges but she refuses to do anything of a sort. I help with chores around the house and give her foot rubs upon request as she does for me. We have a short smooch ever now and then in the morning and that is it. We have heated discussions time to time and the intensity evaporates in a hour or so and we both get over it. We never fight about the lack of intimacy between us. We are financially sound and travel together. The last several years have been without any sex at all. I do masturbate every now and then. I feel my biggest mistake during my life with my wife is that I never could say no to anything she wished for or wanted. I feel I have been good to her and she has never suffered for want of anything. I’ve had thoughts of leaving her but at my age don’t know what I or she would do without the limited companionship we do have. She does tell me she loves me as I do her. How do I get her to show me some intimacy?

    • KnowName
      Posted August 1, 2017 at 5:38 pm | Permalink

      find a young girl from a third world country but it could very well make a lot of other issues in the marriage.

      Basically, if your wife believes she will lose you and the marriage if she doesn’t do something and you let her know you still find her sexually attractive even more so than the pretty young lady she will give you sex.

      The fact is this is a horrible way to do things and would leave your wife emotionally scarred the second that pretty young thing was out of the picture the sex would stop and the small sweet things that have maintained you would also go away.

  31. Kate
    Posted October 4, 2016 at 11:02 pm | Permalink

    I have been married to my husband for over 11 years. And he calls me names like White Trash. I cook dinner, clean the house, I always give him sex when he wants it. But he rejects me at different times. Even rejects kissing me and says he needs space and wants to be left alone. I feel alone. And I need love in my life. I hate being called names and feeling hurt by him.

    Right now I’m creating several websites. I plan on possibly divorcing him after they become successful because I’m tired of being in an unloving marriage.

    When he was married to me he bought 2 books on how to seduce and pick up women. He talked to his ex girlfriend and told her he was going to move into a one bedroom apartment. And when I saw the text I wrote Hey it’s Katie and he flipped out on me! And was so angry at me!

    He would bring home many womens numbers and he think that Polygamy is ok and bookmarked it a bunch of times on his ipad.

    He would bring women home from work and offer them rides all the time. And I caught him talking to that woman at 2am in the morning. I was so upset.

    And a week ago I looked at the history in his dream journal and he was looking up “girlfriend” in it. And that was August 21 2016. Why would he search girlfriend? Does he have a girlfriend?

    I asked him about it and he lied about it. Tells me he does not remember. Or his mom was having a dream of her girlfriend. And I asked her and she said she didn’t tell him of any dream.

    I feel he lies, rejects me, calls me names and puts me down all the time. I want to be happy. And right now I’m still in the marriage for financial reasons. And when I have enough money I plan on leaving him. Cause I need love in my life. Not hate. A marriage should not be of hate.

    And he refuses to tell me sorry for all those things he did. He does not feel bad. He even told me he enjoys when I”m angry and upset. How sick and twisted is that???

    Well I am going to make my websites successful. Be nice to him in the time being.

    And he treats me bad and I don’t even withhold sex from him. He withholds it from me! I’m not ugly or fat. I take care of myself. I am sweet to him. Cook dinners for him. And he just takes me for granted.

    I should have left him years ago!

    • Posted October 10, 2016 at 9:25 am | Permalink

      Thanks for your comment Kate. I just want to take a quick moment and tell you that the way your husband treats you is not just mean. It is ABUSIVE. Calling your spouse demeaning names causes the spouse to feel inadequate and unworthy of love, and ironically, forces him or her to stay in the relationship, thinking “no one else will love me anyway!” I agree that you should have left him years ago, and I suggest you do so as soon as possible.

  32. Mary
    Posted December 8, 2016 at 3:38 pm | Permalink

    Mine verbaly abuses me and picks fights all the time. That’s why I refuse him. Because deep down I’m hurt. All those bad words he gave me made my soul and feelings die for him.

    • Posted December 9, 2016 at 9:15 am | Permalink

      Thanks for your comment Mary. Have you considered leaving him? I know sometimes it’s very difficult to leave a relationship even when it is abusive. Consider reaching out to community services that work with abused women. It does not sound like your partner is physically abusive, but you don’t have to tolerate verbal abuse either.

  33. Adam
    Posted December 12, 2016 at 3:19 am | Permalink

    I lived with a girl for one month and I was happy that ï found the right woman for me we were having sex almost 5 times a day because it was like a honey moon for me and it was the first time ï had sex and I moved to usa with her and we got married and at a point she started to complain about me always having high sexual drive and there is no romance at all , I said romance should be from you also , so ï kept trying to bring the relationship back to how it was before but without any succes and I was accused by her that I was hurting her and ï tried to rape her and that was not true at all , she was complaining about me working on a different shift and we don’t meet and she had me to leave my job and join her in her work place , i didn’t get that job and now I’m depend 100% on her and she started to control sex whenver she wants ï should be ready and when ï want , she will reject me and after i started to complain and said that is not fair , the things get worse now she is always yelling at me that I’m not doing enough taking care of the house and or not caring about her or the house whatever ï do and there is no intimacy nor sex in our relationship now and she started to sleep only with under wears and have makeup and try to look nicer and when ï tried to say you look sexy or nice she refuse any compliment or any intimacy or any sex intercourse , ï told her we have a big issue and we have to fix it , she told me sex is not one of her priorities .and because ï studied psychology and philosophy , when ï start talking she is always saying to me she does not have time to hear my lectures , I started to give up and get depressed and

    • KnowName
      Posted August 1, 2017 at 5:22 pm | Permalink

      that is a manipulative woman get a job leave the house flirt with a few pretty girls she will go insane and if you want to keep her make things on your terms.

      The problem with this is you have three choices be emotionally abusive and cheat on her as well.
      Be emotionally abused by her like she is doing, or leave there is no fixing her.

  34. Posted December 21, 2016 at 3:30 am | Permalink

    Starting in November 2001 My husband decided me his father and everyone else had nothing to say in his life any more, He had been home from the Navy for sixteen years and before that had been under water for 3 AND A HALF YEARS IN THE NAVYS SUBMARINE SERVICE, That lst two years Starting over the Millinial celebrations in 2000 when The family had him arrested to exclude him from going with us to Bavaria the sixth European vacation everyone but him had ben on since 1987. It had been since 1981 since his last day off but it was constant suggestuons to keep him from taking times other people needed and it was hell getting him to stay on second shift so others could lead the lives they wanted. Everything was defiance, court orders and a fight. usualy ending with me crying why cant he just be more patient with me and other peoples needs, We came home felling guilty about having him forced into work that holiday but it was just so many plans he would have ruined that year if he had not worked. I thought when we went back we could give him a high tech 1300 dollar Sterio clock with changing scenes and any music he wanted. It was supposed to be a peace offering, birthday, Christmas gift on his birthday when we flew back in and the whole family and friend group that went wanted to sit down and talk about it being a new century and a chance to wipe the last 20 years slate clean and start all over without anger. Everyone was going to talk to the judge about removing a court order about in the best interest of the community he had to work all offered hours, and Let him have the choice of any vacation time and even see about getting a short leave of absence to make up for the last 20 years he had not had a day off. 140 days to make up the lost holidays he should have had off. that was as much as any one thought could be arranged. A total of about five months was all the union thought could be arranged, For the abuse that happened over him.

    e flew In at 5;00 am on January the 5th 2000. We had to wait till he was off work at 730 then another hour until he showed. at 830 we went to meet him at the loading area already with our luggage waiting when his gray suburban pulled up. We new after the last several times coming back from Europe if we asked for help with the luggage he would be petty about having to stay and work again so we did not even ask for the help, I saw there was a foot square box in the back wrapped with my name on it I thought good at least he was not got to not buy my Christmas gift that year, I picked it up and took it to the front seat and asked if I could open it in front of everyone, He said go ahead its what I was worth as well as the lot of us. I had to run it to the nearest dumpster sick at the stench of opening a box of dog S***. His parents got the worst insult. their house covered in it with a wagon wheel set up in the front yard with rawhide straps attached. The police were there when we arrived and his mothers sister and her husband where waiting realizing the depth of what my husband was calling his mother father and me. The Sign painted on the front window said slavers despots and tyrants live here and in this community on the wheel it said come one and all to see the uppity slave get his whippen His mother broke down crying asking if this was really deserved for just seeing to every ones needs the last 15 years, His father turned to him and said why couldn’t he just have acted like a man instead of this. My husband said just as soon as we left him alone to make his own decisions.

    The next year the friend of his fathers was hauled off the bench in cuffs. A juduicial review was done and the order that kept my husband at bay for 13 years was removed. Then After his father and coworkers abused him six days after a brain surgery on July 31st 2001, t was a surgery that drilled a hole from over his right eye To the center of his head to remove a tumor from the top of his brain stem When They took him to work six days latter saying if he could stand he could work, He had six days to rest why should he expect more. I saw four men hurt e=even in his weakened stat he fought back against going to work that day as they twisted his arms behind his back. Three months latter he had started a training program the day after that to get himself in what he called his fighting shape.

    We had found out when he was in the army he had earned a black belt in sho rea a third leval or dan, He had Japannes catanas he started carrying. even received a concealed carry permit for them which worried the sheriff no end when he found out that a weapon could be pulled on my husband and he had the ability to take the weapon and hand. Or the assailants head. Then The New plants bid list went up. My husband and three of his ex military friends decided that they did not have to lay down for the community any longer. They bid on a job wanted by the Commissioners son, a city councilman and two others that had wealthy and influenicial fathers wanted the same position because it was a clean job and in an air conditioned area. All wanted out of the department they were in and the many times 125 degree heats, mist oil and coolant as well as the hot metal chips.

    My husband and his friends just had to much seniority for the union to tell to back off after getting placed under the national microscope. That to was put fourth by my husband and his friends. So November 5th 2001 I was littaraly on my knees after a long talk with everyone telling him just back off one more time and everything he wanted was his, Sex, vacations, time off for holidays, and any weekends he wanted without any one crying about it or at least we would not listen.

    He called me a whore, a bi***, and a sl** and said if I had any honor I would take his pi** father who set me up with other men and we would both step hand in hand in front of a semi. I told everyone what his answer was. I was told to bolt my husband out of the house the next morning so the four men could get him to see reason. They tried and nearly died for the attempt, My husband did not pull his catana. He was in to tight a space. But we found out that morning he did not need weapons to hurt and maim his feet knees, elbows and even his head were weapons. Leaving all four men dying on our front porch with broken bones flayed ribs. fractured sculls and all were bleeding someplace The worst was the man that I had a fling with in Bavaria, I was just so tired of being called useless in life.

    Now because my husband had some how found out. I was relegated to the life where I had no influence with my husband and he demanded what I left the man with his ribcage so badly broken the ribs drove into the sack around his heart through his lungs. I still feel his reaction was far to mean with them over a bid and no time off and my refusal of sex his resentments just turned deadly And Every time from then on he arranged to hirt someone when they interfered with his time his vacations, his wants. In 2009 His father took his Reservations, boarding pass’s and passports out of his laptop case for the Orient express trip that year. He worked right next to a 24 year old with 2 years seniority who he had trained to tak his place for his vacations and holiday he was taking off that year, This young man got his nursing student girlfriend with child and she did not want an abortion, So we thought get them the best start in life we could.

    We cancelled my husbands trip without his knowing. I went to his union president the same day and his father and I explained we wanted his weeks after Christmas shutdown for five weeks in St Croix I thought it was a fair exchange for the orient express trip and his father even kicked in the ten percent for cancelling. The union president said we put him in a bad position, This whole thing stank after the last 24 years of our abuse, He said that My husband had 34 years and he knew that since he came home he had to be deathly ill to get six days off in the last three decades, His father was yelling well sometimes a man has to give up on his wants for every ones good. His steward and Chaplin were in TSA when he got there to try and keep my husband from getting in bad trouble when he found out what we wanted.I was going to hold the 6354 dollar cancelation check to give him at his work gate on Christmas with the ST Croix vacation as a surprise. I was crying it was just severn more months and we would make this one up and he had already worked all those years, It was just seven more that he would work The Union Steward even said the union was kicking in the lions share if he would just be nice about it since he had been badly used the last 24 years. He was not nice about it. I found myself flying across the room. With my shoulder dislocated and TSA and four other men were trying to separate my husbands fingers off his fathers throat getting his passport back. they got him back to work, His mother Yelled at use we did not have the right and did not leave with us going home with my husband causing the cancellation of the 50th anniversary party in Brussles. All because he resented us trying to get everybody something in life he left himself out.

    He was In Surgery again by Thanksgiving He was In rehab not able to walk with a high end antibiotic being pumped into him to Control the MRSA that caused his spinal cord to crush and partially sever in a slip. He was Medically retired the third of January with 35 years credited service. he was 56 at the time I was 46.

    When he came home three years latter there was a plan to give him a nice evening and a good meal. Just everyone sit down and discuse the resentment and the expectations from all from that day, But as usual things happened with everything being accelerated I was out with my AP the night he came home. I was not expecting him back until that weekend. When I got home the next morning I begged to take the conversation about to happen off the street. He cleared the drive and followed us in. he man I came home with found out my husband was going to turn me over to him.. He just wanted me to vanish No contact to get an abandonment nullification of marriage. My friend however was married, We only saw each other when he was travelling for his clients. He thought that sweeping my husbands cane would be funny.

    I know it hurt when my husband hit the floor. then the other man added insult to injury laughing and calling him a pathetic looser My husband uses tall walking sticks with Ice spicks. He struggled to sit up and took the rubber grip tip off. That cane flew across the room and fractured the other mans scull dropping him in place. My husband then dragged himself over and started breaking bones yelling who’s the pathetic looser now. The retaliation was not equal to the crime.

    My husband was put in a stress center. Two weeks latter He came home from the center. We were planning a nice dinner for three days from then. the whole family and most the family’s and my friends were going to be there to try and work out a plan to allow his peaceful inclusion in things he was forced out of the 31 years prior. Everything was going on the table. We just wanted people to stop being hurt when he decided he was shoved to much and nobody listened to him. I had promised to go that evening to a dinner he was not invited to. On the evening the center sent him home. I came out of the bedroom just finishing getting ready. and I was standing there like a deer caught in headlights.

    I was trying to make a deal to still go to the dinner that evening even handing him 100 to pick a place for every one to meet after the dinner I was going to in four hours. Not even asking for a delay of 24 hours. Just a stinking four hours then we could sit and try and find a way to allow traditions and holidays as well as a vacation for him. We already thought our plans for Cancun were set in 2015. HE was not going. We were going to suggest that he wait until Hawaii in 2018 so we could try and work him in then in four more years. That night he was so angry that we would dare tell him that we needed to talk about what would be ALLOWED him In holidays and vacation time he told me listing of what his sweat , blood and time had enable me the last thirty one years and he was yelling why did we have any thought we allowed him any thing, He said from that second he was the final judge and arbiter of what he was allowed in his home and our marriage.

    I found my dress shredded in my husbands hands. I was begging pleading and crying things were not meant to happen as they did for 3 decades they just did, What he was thinking did not have to happen this way. He hurt me taking what I had not offered that evening. I was sitting in my dressing gown looking at the phone in my hand on my bed and he’s still rampaging first throwing his fathers best friend face first off the porch into the drive after refusing entry into our house.
    He had tossed me the phone telling me the number was 911. Lets get the last 31 years into open court. Lets see which of us goes to prison with his head up and who leaves hiding under coats. He was right. If I took him to court everything in my journals of 35 years was admissible describing a pattern of abuse on my, his family’s and the communities part.

    When all this started in 1985 it was meant that in two years if he was nice with his return from the Navy he was going to not be interfered with after that. I wanted children of my own just like he did. but with his absolute hate of the community after those first two years all I wanted from him was peace love and understanding. What we ended up with was Hell on earth.

    A man that automatically takes the opposition against everyone now. And if interfered with they end up hammered into the ground. The Cancun trip I was again begging him to just try and keep things peaceful with my friends and his father. He had taken everything in planning the trip away from me Making the Berth reservations. controlled the money in total not even allowing a friend a loan to go. His fathers best friend. Taking the funds for himself. His father just wanted one more time to have his friend on the trip I just wanted peace. We did not go. The Cruise lines are completing the agreement to pay my husbands next five years vacations. His father ended up with his neck broken for threatening my husband with a ball bat, telling him to just shut his face and go home. Just let us have a vacation In peace. He swung the bat. my husbands cane blocked and an uppercut from the hip broke his fathers neck.

    Theres nothing my husband has not done to press his will on holiday traditions the last three years. This Christmas. It will only be my mother, sister, and her husband up here at high range cabin. We have snow already and the weather says a deep one on Christmas is coming. I am used to parties of over 30 people This year will be probably snowed in 70 miles from any place. I am going to miss the Buisness suits and ties a group of friends just enjoying the meal and going out with a stop to give my husband the sandwiches and a ten for Christmas going to the club for after diner drinks The Last 8 years my husband was on his feet he never once said have a merry Christmas when I waited to wish him one going out the door to work the 16 hour days on holidays What he would say was what was so merry another stinking day at work just longer. After 2000 We have not had a kind word out of him, Just this dour angry man when he was forced to work in place of other people.

    I think if just one year he had not been so angry about being there for other people something might have been arranged. Even a weekend off might have been to much however. He would have taken everything he had seniority rights to.

    I now wonder what other options any one had. My husband was strong able to take the loads and the knowledge to do almost every thing. He just put his head down and continued on like the enigizer bunny. I was sorry that he was abused but instead of trying to understand the needs of others at least sit down and try to work other times and things out with the union and company to get time he wanted off Like take mid winter vacations when other people had needs for late spring and summer slots. Try to arrange for a direct exchange of holiday days instead of getting angry he was not getting the same considerations.

    Now for holidays and vacations if your seniority is where the higher numbers on the list, if they have the seniority the younger seniority no matter the need has to work or loose a 31 an hour position. Theres no getting around the contract for any one now. All Because my husband and his friends wrote a letter and sent detaials how they were treated for more than 30 years. As for Me I am on probation now. For things like Denial of civil rights, Fraud in misrepresenting myself in the marriage. Even one grand jury feels his father , me and the community maintained my husband as an Indentured servant. Though intimidation and coercion. His Work Records and foremans notes of how many times he turned holidays down and was made to give up vacation slots Working every day but six from 1981 to 2009.

    I just don’t know what else could have been tried!

  35. Chao
    Posted January 28, 2017 at 12:55 am | Permalink

    I’ve been married for 6 months. My wife and I had sex only once for the last 3 months. It doesn’t matter how much I BEG her, she just won’t cooperate. For a newly wed, this is torture. I don’t know what to do. I am bitter.

    • KnowName
      Posted August 1, 2017 at 5:10 pm | Permalink

      Yes it’s been over a year now in the same situation

  36. sb
    Posted February 18, 2017 at 3:02 am | Permalink

    Hi,

    Its theraputic to know there is an existing problem. We have been married two years and had sex exactly 3 times. She just would give excuses of too tired, its paining, i have to go to bathroom and what not. She is also very moody. One time she is all love next time she is calling me names and throwing things. I endure because I want to give this relation a chance but seems like it is of no use. She has never approached me with sex but everyday when i ask only answer is not now. I believe she is having BPD and OCD and is narcissist. I guess this year will be the last I would try to fix this marriage. Then if nothing improves I would need to move on for my and her sake. She openly calls me names when there is fights and I can’t use same verbal abuse with her as I love her. I have started shouting back now as enough is enough. And the lack of sex and intimacy is lowering my will to be with her.

    • Posted March 24, 2017 at 10:08 am | Permalink

      Regardless of the sex issue, please understand that your partner sounds abusive. It is never OK to call your partner names and to throw things. I recommend that you both try couple’s therapy, and if the abuse does not stop, you should really consider ending the relationship.

  37. Piny Needle
    Posted April 28, 2017 at 7:29 am | Permalink

    The sad reality is that women marry men for resources and not sex and love. Women get love from having children and loving them. Women may think they are in love but they just want whatever they can get from their husbands and when they perceive that has stopped flowing they cut their husbands off sexually without a flicker of conscience. That is life. This is why, in nature, males move on after a few years. Marriage and children are sexual suicide for men. A man is far better off having children and not being married or not having children at all. Giving power to women creates monsters. They are not generous with power like men are. Women won’t “marry down” because love for them is about power. Men trapped in loveless, sexless marriages where they cannot divorce need to create a new life for themselves and stop caving in to their wives unending demands.

  38. vicky
    Posted May 26, 2017 at 2:29 am | Permalink

    my wife.refussed my sex some 6month i think i don.t make happy she what can i do

  39. Spymate
    Posted June 9, 2017 at 7:13 am | Permalink

    Find out if your husband, wife or partner is cheating on you or hiding something from you. Hack any email account, mobile phone, facebook, website. Fix your credit score, delete criminal records, change your grades and more.. Visit {WWW SPYMATE CO} and fill the contact form

  40. QUEENLY
    Posted July 4, 2017 at 5:33 am | Permalink

    I was having issue with my boyfriend, he was always lying to me, keeping secrete, flirting around, i love him and wanted him to change but it got worst that he have to break up and left me heart broken, i was out of my mind, i wanted him back because i want to get married to him in feature, i could not fall in love again b’cos my heart still beat for him, i was lucky that my problem became history, i was able to find someone who could help me and it was Dr_Mack@yahoo. com, i contacted him and fortunately he was able to bring my boyfriend back and my boyfriend is now a changed man and he is ready to marry me as soon as possible

  41. KnowName
    Posted August 1, 2017 at 5:09 pm | Permalink

    I have been married one year now we are Muslims, in Islam you don’t date before marriage so no sex and no intimacy.
    I waited for my wife and I thought she had secretly some difficulty waiting for me, it’s been over one year now and even on the wedding night she could only ask me to just hurry up and finish.

    Intimacy is still not existent and even the sexual flirting that I found out she used to do with other guys she refuses to me saying she learned from her mistakes even tho some of the sexual flirting was during our engagement.
    I have watched and only saw one intense where she was smiling and laughing while taking in another language with another man I don’t think she is cheating.

    On the wedding night she got pregnant so divorcing and leaving my son in another country is not an option.
    I couldn’t find a Muslim wife in the area I lived I traveled to another country for marriage.

    At this point it’s been many years looking forward to a wife and now that I have one it’s still as if I don’t.
    I have been contemplating finding a lady online to provide me with sexual services as this would prevent me from penetrating another woman.

    At this point I have an offer from a lady for a small amount each month, I don’t know what to do I think I would be ok with cyber sex but I know I can’t stay in this marriage without intimacy and I know I can’t live without my son.
    I do love my wife honestly that is what made waiting for her before marriage bearable but I have needs and waiting for her after marriage seems really hopeless.

  42. Chris
    Posted August 29, 2017 at 5:27 pm | Permalink

    If relationships are too much hard work, then just move on. Children will be happier to see happier parents living apart than unhappy parents in the same house. Not wanting sex with a partner is a blindingly obvious sign that that person simply wants an end. Fairly simple. Everyone needs courage to move on and in the best interests of any children too. Doctors, therapy (with costs of that of course) depression, meds when it seems clear that a person not wanting sex with a parner or spouse does not need these interventions, which simmply appears insulting and controlling. in the extreme. As for stating that someone married you (signed a form one day) and therefore somehow OWES it to someone else to have accesss ot their body, is a very worrying suggestion indeed. Forced and unwilling sex has a name and has custodial implications. If a relationship is over it is over. Let it go. Fighting that seems counterptoductive. Both people might find happinness with other people or not- but they can then choose freely. Life is just too short.

  43. Heidi
    Posted September 3, 2017 at 3:27 pm | Permalink

    Husbands or wives: has your withhoding spouse told you over and over again that you must do some things basic to responsibilities in marriage and you don’t. Like holding a job. Could some of these spouses be simply turned off and unable to express love to you because you are not expressing love to them during the day? Performing responsiblities basic to marriage are also ordered by God. Just a thought.

  44. Neil
    Posted September 10, 2017 at 4:40 pm | Permalink

    Hi Doctor I have one for the record books, a Guinness Record. I have been married for 55 years and to date I don’t have a consummated marriage YET and now it’s too late. I had many conservations and asked ” Let’s both of us go to a doctor and see what’s wrong ” and the answer was always the same ” No way and don’t ask me ever again ” Sooo why stay? for what I have, my worldly possessions. My home I built, a farm I always wanted, and lots of land.
    I would like to know, Why won’t she tell me why she refuses to seek a doctors help ?
    I’m considered a good looking guy and a real nice guy. I have had many women in my life. One fantastic romance lasted 16 years. We actually loved each other and she treated like a wife should. She was wonderful and has since passed away about 5 years ago.
    On our Honey Moon night my wife said ” I’ll never suck your cock !! and I will not go to a doctor to find out what is wrong with me!! AND SHE NEVER EVER DID
    Many years later she developed Rumotied Arthritis and now is in poor health, that is why it’s too
    late for us. It isn’t love that keeps me here it’s what I have and what I could loose. Being Catholic and as you know all to well in their eyes it’s an “Automatic Catholic Annulment ” BUT I would still loose everything I worked sooo hard to get. With the many women I had in my life I can say
    ” I’m have my cake and Eating it too ?
    Sooooo Doctor Tell me why she refused to seek a doctors help and will not tell me why? when I ask she says ” I don’t know why ” all the women in my life say’s she know why !! maybe you can tell me. Post this out to your readers and maybe they can tell me!! Thanks

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SBMD is based in Newport Beach, California, in the United States of America. SBMD makes no claims that SBMD Site and the Content are appropriate or may be downloaded outside of the United States. Access to the Content may not be legal by certain persons or in certain countries. If you access the SBMD Network from outside the United States, you do so at your own risk and are responsible for compliance with the laws of your jurisdiction. The following provisions survive the expiration or termination of this Agreement for any reason whatsoever: Liability, Indemnity, Jurisdiction, and Complete Agreement.

9. Jurisdiction

You expressly agree that exclusive jurisdiction for any dispute with SBMD, or in any way relating to your use of the SBMD Site, resides in the courts of the State of California, County of Orange, and you further agree and expressly consent to the exercise of personal jurisdiction in the courts of the State of California in connection with any such dispute including any claim involving SBMD or its affiliates, subsidiaries, employees, contractors, officers, directors, telecommunication providers, and content providers. Notwithstanding any other provision, you agree to a final and binding arbitration in Orange County, State of California to resolve any dispute between you and SBMD and/or Dr. Sayeh Beheshti arising from or related to your use of the SBMD Site in any way, shape or form.

These Terms and Conditions are governed by the internal substantive laws of the State of California, without respect to its conflict of laws principles. If any provision of these Terms and Conditions is found to be invalid by any court having competent jurisdiction, the invalidity of such provision shall not affect the validity of the remaining provisions of these Terms and Conditions, which shall remain in full force and effect. No waiver of any of these Terms and Conditions shall be deemed a further or continuing waiver of such term or condition or any other term or condition.

10. Complete Agreement

These Terms and Conditions and the SBMD Privacy Policy constitute the entire agreement between you and SBMD with respect to the use of the SBMD Site, and its content.

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Disclaimers


DOCTOR LIFE ADVICE IS NOT INTENDED FOR PROVIDING MEDICAL OR PSYCHIATRIC DIAGNOSES OR ADVICE, AND IS NOT A SUBSTITUTE FOR SEEKING THE HELP OF A PHYSICIAN. DOCTOR BEHESHTI, THE AUTHOR OF THE ARTICLES DOES NOT PROVIDE MEDICAL OR PSYCHIATRIC DIGNOSIS, TREATMENT, OR ADVICE ON THIS PAGE.

IF YOU FEEL YOU HAVE A MEDICAL OR PSYCHIATRIC EMERGENCY, PLEASE CALL 911 OR GO TO YOUR NEAREST EMERGENCY ROOM. THIS SITE IS NOT INTENDED FOR PROVIDING EMERGENCY SERVICES OF ANY KIND.

This website contains questions, answers, graphics, drawing, and other content and material, all of which are for informational purposes only, and are public information. Any questions submitted will be reviewed, and if they are to be answered, the content of the question may be edited for purposes of making it easier to read, and to protect the submitters' identity.

The content of this website is not intended for forming a doctor-patient relationship. Whether or not you get a response to your question, you should be aware that you have not formed a doctor-patient relationship with Doctor Beheshti, and she is not liable for your medical and mental health or wellbeing. Use the responses provided on this website at your own risk, and do not use them in place of a physician's advice.

This website is not intended to replace seeking advice from your physicians. Always seek the advice of a physician, psychiatrist, psychologist, or other health care professionals for issues concerning your physical and mental health. If you submit a question which does not get a response, do not consider that as a sign that you should not seek out the care of a physician.

WARNING

ALTHOUGH AT DOCTOR LIFE ADVICE WE RESPECT THE PRIVACY OF ALL INDIVIDUALS, THE CONTENT OF THIS WEBSITE IS COMPLETELY PUBLIC. THE BEST EFFORTS WILL BE MADE TO MAINTAIN YOUR ANONIMITY WHEN YOUR QUESTIONS ARE POSTED ON THE WEBSITE; HOWEVER, PLEASE BE AWARE THAT YOUR QUESTION MAY BE POSTED ON THE SITE WITH MINIMAL MODIFICATION AND WILL BE AVAILABLE TO ANY AND ALL READERS THAT ACCESS THIS WEBSITE. PLEASE TAKE EXTRA CARE TO PROTECT YOUR IDENTITY AND CONFIDENTIALITY WHEN YOU SUBMIT A QUESTION OR INQUIRY. DOCTOR LIFE ADVICE IS NOT RESPONSIBLE IF SOMEONE IDENTIFIES YOU BASED ON THE INFORMATION PROVIDED IN YOUR QUESTION. YOUR IDTENTIFYING INFORMATION PROVIDED BY YOUR EMAIL, SUCH AS EMAIL ADDRESS, NAME, IP ADDRESS, ETC. WILL ALL BE REMOVED AND DELETED FROM OUR EMAIL ACCOUNT BEFORE YOUR QUESTION IS POSTED.

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Helpful Resources




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About Doctor Life Advice

Doctor Beheshti

I am a compassionate and well trained psychiatric doctor, and I spend my days talking to others and helping them with their daily issues and problems. I have come to understand that all of us, regardless of our backgrounds and our life stories - every one of which is unique - share similar wants and needs.

I love my job which allows me to hear unique stories and help each of my clients individually. Although I cannot take the place of your doctor, I would love to hear your story too and perhaps provide some advice that will be useful to you, as well as others that will benefit from your story.

I have a sense of humor which comes through in my writings. Please know that I NEVER intend to make light of anyone's painful or sensitive situation. I only use humor because I think sometimes a smile and a little chuckle can go a long way in helping us feel better.

Doctor Life Advice is written and maintained by Sayeh Beheshti, M.D., M.A., a private practice psychiatrist in Newport Beach, CA.


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